A letter from May 13th, 2016

Cass, Here's a draft of the suicide note you nearly posted to Facebook today. I want to go nowhere and everywhere and lose myself, or at least the parts I've not lost already. Something's the matter with me, it has been for a very long time, and I won't try pretending it isn't anymore. There's nowhere else to go for me. I'm stuck here and I think remaining stuck here will only succeed in driving me mad once and for all. I don't want you to think I didn't try. I did. You won't believe it, but my god, I did. And now I'm stopping. Life support switched off, good and proper. It's only humane. I can't stop hurting. Writing this suicide note has caused me to feel the calmest I have in a number of years. Isn't that awful? But it's nobody's fault except my own. Some people are born sad. You'd think that'd mean you'd grow used to it, but that's just not true. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of not only the sadness, but the hollowness, too. Words can't convey pain, so this is difficult to explain. But please believe me when I say that being dead would be remarkably more pleasant than whatever it is I am feeling right now, and have been feeling for quite some time. It's all me. I can't be fixed. Don't think I haven't tried. This will probably hurt people. I'm sorry. An apology won't come anywhere near making up for the pain I will inflict on the people who have (somehow) loved me, but I really am sorry. If I could fix myself, I would. If there was any way to make me not this way, then I'd do everything within my power to find it. There just isn't. Maybe you'll wonder if you missed the signs. I hid them well. I'm not a good actress, but I certainly aced this role. I wanted someone to kiss me. I wanted to meet a hero. I wanted to save the world. I wanted people to remember me. And maybe they will, but it'll be for my *****, not my life, and that makes me sad. You're worth more than you will ever know. This is not the recommended way out. I repeat: this is not the recommended way out. I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry. I love you I love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you thank you for making these years bearable with your love and acceptance and caring and i'm sorry it wasn't enough. I'm sorry I wasn't enough. - cassidy Here's the thing, Cass: you never posted it. And you're never going to. Love, You from ten years ago. xoxoxo