A letter from January 31st, 2016

Dear FutureMe, You know i hate my job right now, i could leave in a heartbeat if i wanted. I stay sad most of the times and i fear i might be depressed, i also fear that i might be extremely spoilt and just making a big deal out of everything. Mountains out of molehills as mum always says. I feel so useless right now, perhaps design was a wrong decision? How ever will i earn money, travel, sell my art in forms of mugs, stickers and all the wonderful things which i enjoy doing. I'm stuck here biting the skin from the sides of my nails wondering about how i ended up like this, in UI/UX, sick in the head and frustrated each and everyday. I looked back at the old old messages my ex had sent me, just looking for some love. That i'm still wanted by someone, anyone.. The same way i'm looking for a new job right now. I have a loving boyfriend of 6 years and he's given me nothing but love. Yet i crave attention, i look for love, i look for someone who loves me at first glance, is taken by me. I feel like i'm growing too old for all of this even though i'm just 24 about to turn 25 in 19 days. Perhaps it's just a rant and nothing else. Maybe i'll get over it. I want you to read this letter and laugh at it, i want you to be alive when you read this letter. I want you to be present. I want you to be everything you've denied yourself. All the times you've dug a hole of self pity and inferiority, i hope you'll be out of that, i hope you cry less and i hope you don't sleep alone just waiting for him to come and hold you. I hope you've made enough money to keep yourself happy, bought a house perhaps? I know it's not going to be this hard, and i hope you won't quit. I hope you went to or are going to a place you've always wanted to. It's like Aion, it's no fun when you level up and come back to the same zone to **** the monsters which ****** you, you go for the bigger bait. And i know and hope i won't be this weak forever. Here's to wishing us the best. I would say i love you but somehow it feels odd because i still don't love myself enough. I don't love you at all. I could change all my body parts if i had to, cut paste, snip, copy. And i hope that is something you'd have changed. All the best