A letter from January 23rd, 2016

Hello, me. Today, January 22nd 2016. You're sitting on the couch watching Nurse Jackie, a drug addicted nurse who sleeps with everyone. Lola is licking your right foot, which is gross, but she seems to enjoy it so it's endearing and you let her. Jaydon is playing his PS4 in the bedroom, he'll be 13 in 8 days. You requested 3 days off to celebrate at Disney with his friend and you're trying to get him his first cell phone for his birthday. Maybe he'll have more conversations with his first girlfriend Abigail. :) Jaydon still likes to sleep in the bed with you sometimes, and while you try to enjoy it because you know this won't happen much longer, you lose too much sleep from him snatching the blankets and kicking your side of the bed. He is your (my) world. <3 You're dating Ever, again. You've been in love with him since your first kiss, January 14th, 2000. You're crazy in love with him but second guessing his intentions at times because of your rocky history. While you broke up and were with others for some years, you found each other again and just spent the 21st together to celebrate 1 year back together. The 20th was your 1 year anniversary of your second first kiss standing outside of the door at Sawyer Estates, but he was at school from 8am to 8pm and was having migrain headaches and couldn't make it. You got ramen noodle soup for the 3 of you, a new candle holder (for a candle-lit dinner) and you got him a gift, a raspberry pi 2, which he said he wanted. You were disappointed but you tried your best to understand that he is working really hard in school and didn't remember that it was the anniversary because it's just not how he is. You don't mind and you like trying to surprise him since you knew he wouldn't remember. :D You work as an LPN at Avante and it's very hard but rewarding. You want more for yourself but you also don't want to lose yourself and time with your boys. Many times your anxiety makes it feel like you're drowning, it's a combination of feeling everything and nothing all at the same time. Still not sure what to do about it. Doctors are expensive. Ever wants you to dance. He wants you to "just do it" but you won't because you want him to take your hand and show you. It's what you like. It's how you are. You've always wanted to feel like someone would "save" you in a way, if you needed it. Mom lives right around the corner and you don't see her as often anymore because she lives with Alex and you don't have a relationship with him. I miss her. But you enjoy each other's company every time she comes over. Nancy passed away Christmas morning around 2am. This breaks your heart. She is irreplaceable. The answer is Degobah. :) The Guinea pigs, Bane and Harry (Houdini) are noisy and poop too much but they're cute. You feel like a mess and wish you knew how to get it together, but deep down inside know it will all be okay. Life is short. There has to be happiness. Someone's son died on Nurse Jackie and you stopped writing this to cry and made Jaydon give you a kiss and a hug. He was stubborn and didn't want to leave his game because we just activated his live account. :) I hope wherever you are you remember to stop and smile and be happy.