A letter from January 22nd, 2016

Dear FutureMe, I'll start by saying that if this reaches you, it's at least a minor miracle given the ever-changing nature of technology and the unknown role email will play in the year 2026. But I just found this tool on Reddit.com/r/InternetIsBeautiful and I wanted to try it out. Also, to set the stage: I'm currently at work, age 24, on a rainy Friday at the Florida St. office in the city. The negatives: I'm concerned that I won't ever get married or fall in love again. The effort and time I poured into my relationship with Lauren, only to have it slowly die away, leaves me feeling empty with nothing left and legitimately concerned that I'm not fit to be with anyone ever again. The loneliness that comes with this is painful, but the anxiety and fear that occurs at the thought of giving the effort to start something new is worse. The hardest part is that even when I do psyche up enough to give an effort, I generally go for someone out of my league, get rejected, and then comes the self-doubt and guilt. I don't give the time or energy to anything unless it directly serves me. I keep up a front with everyone, posing as a cocky piece of ****, while also severely lacking true self-confidence. I have no faith in a higher power, and when I am physically alone I imagine that while I don't think I'm chemically depressed I can at least empathize with those who are. Part of this has to stem from my lack of spiritual maturity. I don't have the balls to stand up to my parents/family. I've never told them that I don't feel confident that God exists or that Jesus is able to save my soul and offer me eternal life. I don't think my sister or my best friend (her husband) even know exactly how I feel about this. The hardest thing to put into words is that I'm not as strong as I think I am. I'm prone to addiction. Addiction to video games, addiction to food, addiction to TV and books. I go through phases of smoking weed every day (although it's been better recently), and drinking heavily multiple times a week. I jack off at least once a day (and usually feel guilty after). I've told myself I'm going to start working out and eating better, and while I generally give it a good shot I can't ever stick with it long term. I also spend too much money. The good things: I make a lot of money (I think). I'm 24, 2.5 years out of college, and making approximately 135k annually after base, bonuses, and equity distributions. I have 20k in the bank, 10k in 401(k), and 20k available in credit. I work for an awesome company that offers great benefits, a wonderful work atmosphere, and unique business and growth opportunities. My friends and family love me. 3 grandparents are still alive, and Grandmom is more alive than she's been in 10 years now that she's at Pacifica. Teresa and TJ have been married for 1.5 years and are expecting Little Tommy (Thomas James Lyons V, due A's opening day in 3 months or so). Mom and Dad just got iphones, are finally settling into their empty nest. Vava and Vavo are battling health issues, but have great insurance and live in a house that they own in a safe neighborhood. Stuart and Nina are doing an awkward dance at Westline, and nobody knows how that will progress but we're all hoping they both do whatever makes them happiest. Everywhere I go I make friends. In SLO, I met Bryan, Nicole & Shane (engaged), Eric and Layne (engaged), and many others who I still see regularly and remain in my inner circle. In Santa Barbara, I met Jason and David (drinking and sports), Danny and Andrew (mentors at work), Dustin and Chris (work/hangout buddies), and Jared/Skai (engaged). I remain in contact with all of them and miss them all the time. Now, at Sutro/Maximus, friends are easy to make as well, but of a different sort. My 3 closest work friends are married/engaged women. Xuan, Jessica, and Luisa. Hopefully as the company grows and time passes I'll either meet some single women or meet some guys my age that want to hang out after work and help pass the time at work. Because it didn't fit with the pattern above, I didn't mention Peter's role. He's been a mentor to me, he got me my job, and he's also been highly relatable and we align on multiple social/political ideals/thoughts. So.. Did you fix things? Have you worked through some of these things? Are you 34, still gaining weight, still single, still lost, still lazy, still addicted? Are you happy? Do you still make good money? Have you stayed close to your friends, the people you love? Did you buy a house?! Do you sell houses? Are you honest about who you are, have you given an honest effort to mature spiritually? Cliches suck, but you do only live once. -Current Kevin PS. Right now you think you are in love with a married woman. Don't ever do this again, unless she's married to you. Idiot.