A letter from past-self, January 22nd, 2016

Greetings old man, So you are now 39 years old. Happy ******* birthday! Hopefully by now you have managed to grow a full beard; 28 year old you sure can't. Ten years ago you were living in a small apartment in Sweden. Let's hope by now you have your own little hovel. If not, what the **** have you been doing for the last ten years? A few other things you should have achieved by now: - You finally bought some gloves, because it is ******* cold here. - You no longer live off 2 min noodles. - You can defeat a hard Sudoku puzzle under 10 minutes. - You have mastered the impossible - the Swedish language. - You finally figured out why people like Channing Tatum. Ideally you will have settled down with a partner in crime too; preferably Swedish, but beggars can't be choosers. Speaking of beggars, is Sweden still littered with them? You should also have some young pipsqueaks kicking about too. Best not to show them this e-mail until they are at least six. If there are no pipsqueaks, then your Tinder profile must still suck ***, or you're sterile. If you are sterile, that's not ******* funny. Lay off the Captain Morgan. I am eating a doughnut from Lidl right now; I suggest you go and get one now to see if they are still as good as they were ten years ago. Peace out P.S. You just spilled your glass of water all over the desk, jackass. Hopefully you have outgrown these retarded traits too. On the plus side, the desk is finally clean.