A letter from January 15th, 2016

Dear FutureMe, im sure youre still using this email as your personal mail, and if i ever going to be famous and using this email as your contact, i guess you wont be seeing this because i know how disorganized you are. but that would indicate youre doing quite well over there so you wont be needing to heard about me anyway. other than you wont reading this because your inbox is full with fanmail because youre awesome and finally done something great, or works mail (seriously i thought i've made it clear that when i have a job, ill get a different email), or hate mail because you said something stupid on the internet, there's also other possibility that apocalypse happen between now and ten years from now. and all of the servers fried, and this mail is never sent. which is depressing. or maybe this email will arrive to my inbox but i cant read it because many reasons. none of which isnt depressing. i could be dead, or married with someone who wont let me touch the computer, or become really poor and homeless, seriously, i cant think any possibility where life without internet is not depressing. and no honey, no... the possibility of you become super hipster and think internet is overrated is not even better. so you read this email. this is awesome, right??? well, honestly ive done this before, but not for the future, but for the past. i think the age 15 is really awesome, and i know you'll agree. No. youre not that old grumpy lady who yell at young people. youre 31, youre not that old. although... you might want to buy some anti-wrinkle cream before its too late. all right... lets just make this email all about me first, okay? for a beginning, im still that hypocrite who act like i dont give single **** about people but stopped to compose this email when there's other people behind me(and yeah, warnet is still a thing) because im super insecure. im still an ******* who never value other people opinion, advice, care, or even a simple presence and i still think i dont deserve them because of that. im already over the idea of finding the one on quotation marks, because i dont deserve it. i dont even sure what i got now, friends and family, will last. my parents seems like have give up on me and my sister become someone i dont want to hang out with anymore. when i graduated, ill probably lose almost all of my friends because they will have their own life and i will deal with my own. im scared i will never got any replacement. im in my 8th semester in college, and its 4 month before i have to graduate, yet i havent done a single thing, because im scared. im feeling blind because i dont know whats ahead, and it made me scared. there is so many possibility of you hating me because i made mistakes and that made me afraid of doing something new. and at the same time, i think of you hating me even more for not trying something. and now im stuck. im in the edge of depression now and i really hope that right now im in the lowest point so i cant go anywhere but up. its when my friends going places and reaching to their potentials while i spend 18 hours in bed hating myself and thinking a thousand ways i could die. and i should be over it soon enough or i will actually try to **** myself. i know i can finish proposal then the thesis soon so i could graduate and find a job, but i dont have the motivation and i dont know how to get one. im not expecting you to come up with something, thats not how this works, but i just want to let you know that whatever i do and i dont do now is based on what i am right now. the me with my own knowledge, fears, and many considerations that the present me thinks matters. and that might change in the future, but that's how we grow, isnt it? i just want you to forgive me if youre in a bad place because of my decisions, and please dont dwell on the past and keep blaming yourself. you know what's overrated? the past. we keep thinking our past should be wiser than they are. for example, i think i should pick a better major back in 2012, so i dont have to worry about finding the apparently scarce job from my major. but i have to know the past me dont know anything about majors, the past me was one stupid teenager who thinks everything is awesome, meteorology is awesome, english is awesome. while i dont work enough and am not lucky enough to become meteorologist, i thought english is good for me. and i have to respect that. point is, im not as wise as you are, so dont blame me. okay, thats a lame argument. im sorry. what about try to move on? okay? write another letter for the 41 years old us and tell her you promise to be better. i promise ill be better, ill write proposal, show it to my supervisor, and work from there. ill finish my degree no matter how i hate this major and myself who decided to choose this major. and you stop hating me and do whatever you're supposed to do. deal? so what's its like over there? how's your life now? do you have the one bedroom apartment that ive always dreamed about? what's job like? have you lost your soul yet? have you work on your bucket list? wait, do i have bucket list? well, should i? how is your new friends? i always think you should not be friend with your coworker, am i wrong? what are the places you've gone to? i wish you have more stories to tell. i wish you can tell me something now, because im scared and clueless.