Hello, it's me

Dear FutureMe, I'm just gonna write this in English. Ridiculous, but somehow it's easier this way. It's the 2nd of January 2016, the year in which i am supposed to finally leave my parents' house and start an adult life. But here's a thing: i have no idea what to do. Do you remember how scared you were? How worthless you felt? I hope you're doing much better now. I have no passions, no hobbys, interests. I spend my days wasting time on the internet or just staring blankly at nothing. There's so much encouragement all around that says "follow your dreams! don't let others change your mind on what you wanna do! believe in yourself, your interest and skills are valid!". But what about the fact that i have no dreams? I mean, i do have some about where i want to live or how i want my family to look like, but not about what i want to DO in life. I get sick when i read the lists of possible majors over and over again. I feel like i won't manage to do well on matura. English - sure, no problem. Math shouldn't be an issue since i passed the mock with 68% having not prepared at all. But Polish, that's a whole new level. I have an essay to hand in two days. I had literally a month to write it but i still haven't even touched it. I feel like i can't do it. I'm too stupid, i can't come up with sentences, ideas quickly enough. I guess i'll pass the basic one, 30% is not much after all. But to get in to UJ i'd have to pass the advanced FLAWLESSLY. Impossible. I can't, i'm not smart enough. And even if a miracle happens and i get in, how the hell am i gonna last more than one semester? I don't know how to study, I don't know how to focus. You're already done with all of that, lucky *******. Did you get in? Was that a right decision? If not, are you happy with how things turned out? I hope you are. Frankly, i hope you're still alive. Did you find your significant other? I still haven't been kissed once in my life. Oh, and what about your *********, did you figure that out? It's not like i'm struggling right now, i bet you remember that though. It's just that ever since P.C. came out to me i've been thinking about it more and came to the conclusion that i might not be entirely straight. Should i call myself bi? I don't know. I feel like i should try it first just to prove it, since i'm a ******* virgin even in terms of hugging. Not platonicly obviously. Who the heck knows (well... you do), maybe in two years i'll discover that i'm 100% lesbian .-. I can't really see myself in a relationship with a girl though, at least not now. Here's a game for you, see how many life goals of the ones i managed to come up with until now you've already achieved: [] see twenty one pilots live [] hug Dan Howell and tell him how much he means to me (make him remember me somehow mabybe?) [] find the one you want to spend the rest of your life with [] go to scotland [] go to new zealand [] kiss/have *** with both men and women [] have a clear complexion goddamnit [] be happy and comfortable with my body [] learn another language [] be more open and not afraid to talk to people [] have a baby? (while financially stable i hope) I'm trying to be a good person but i usually screw up. I feel like a hypocrite. I try not to be judgeful but sometimes i can't help it. I feel like i don't follow the ideals i proclaim so i'm stopping myself from talking quite often. And here'sthe paradox: how do i become more open and talkative while keeping my thoughts to myself cause i don't think ther're right? Am i making any sense right now? I hope you remember this issue and understand. Did you manage to deal with that? It's really bugging me and holding me back. Don't be like your grandpa. Do not. be. like. your. grandpa. Just in case you forgot that rule. What about God? I stopped going to church a long while ago. How about now? Did you retrieve your faith? Although i don't really think it was ever there. I'm kinda jealous of those who believe. But i'm not making any efforts to believe myself. Church, as an institution, makes me sick. They're such hypocrites, e.g. talking in a letter about how homosexuality is an abomination only to sum up saying "we don't condemn anybody". Just no. Maybe it's changed. Is *** marriage legal in Poland? Who am I kidding... PiS started governing the country recently. It seems like it's all going down. They're obviously not saying it straightforward but apparently they want to control the media. And it looks like they will... I really hope you're not reading this surrounded by war. Changing the topic. How are your high school pals doing? How's Ola B., Kasia Z., Paulina C., Gabryśka Z., Anka R., Martyna B.? Are they happy? Are the first three still in the same relationships? Are you still in touch? Some of them are probably married, maybe even have kids. Say hi from the little lost me. I feel like i should try therapy. This is not a self-diagnosis, most likely i'm just a lazy *** whiner. But geez, wouldn't depression explain a lot? Hope you solved that as well. Once again, I hope that you're alive when this appears in your mailbox. Or actually no, I hope that you WANT to stay alive because you have reasons to.