A letter from November 16th, 2015

Dear FutureMe, Well, I've never really done this before that I remember (yes I know that one time but idk what I said or when It's getting delivered.) (rip punctuation) So I'm still in the early stages of accepting being ***. Never had an intimate relationship with anyone, havent even kissed anyone yet. Wow this is depressing to write down. Currently only bryce and TLap know about me being ***. I plan on telling travis and maybe the rest of the hs friend group, but im still unsure if I want to. I REALLY want to tell mom and dad. Even though theyve always said that they will accept me for whoever I am, im still scared af to tell them. Honestly im scared to tell everyone, and i wish this was all over. This is the night im supposed to be writing my persuasive essay in english, but Im writing this instead because its all i can focus on. Im sort of doubting myself being ***, and am wondering if telling bryce is a mistake. But whats done is done, and honestly it feels really good to have told someone that i know in real life. i think that im really fearing mq's response to me coming out, because im extremely unsure of what he may say. im going to take a quick break to read some public letters. All of these letters are kind of lame :/ asking how things or people have been. its like they dont understand that they already know, so its basically redundant. Im unsure if the *** jokes/slang are more prevalent, or if im just noticing them more and more. I must be giving off a clue or something because anytime something like that comes at me i get kind of quiet. Ive been non-stop thinking about interesting ways to come out to travis, and so far the winner is having bryce say something along the lines of "eat a ****" and ill be like, "speaking of eating *****... im ***.." i think that'd be pretty funny, but who knows what actually happened. Im sure its a very vivid memory, and i hope that i dont bring pain back on accident having typed this. I feel as though this is almost therapeutic getting my thoughts down. Never really been one to write down my feelings, but i guess since i opened up to bryce and he opened up to me, im really starting to get more in line with my feelings. Ive still never told anyone that I love them yet. idk why i havent, its just been so long its almost like i have to keep it up. Gah thats so stupid and trivial. Im recently starting to be able to listen to that type of music. I still cant believe i didnt cry at the funeral. Everyone was balling their eyes out and I wasnt that sad. It actually haunts me that I could have cried but chose not to. I really wish i could cry more. This is basically an essay but **** it, I really need to just get these **** thoughts out. Im scared that I wont pass math, and im mad nervous about the asl contact hours thing, even though i looked and as long as i get 70%s on every other assignment ill pass. Gah, **** filter keys made me lose my train of thought. And no im not too sure what filter keys is. Im afraid to tell sal and beeb that im ***, especially because of that time when me and sal were really young and he had that bb *** and i asked what he would do if i was *** and he told me he would ********. Even though that was a long *** time ago, it still affects me for some reason. He and i have changed so much. God im so nervous and excited to tell people. Bryce asked if i was in that phase where i wanted to shout it off of a mountain, and that sorta upset me. Im unsure as to why, maybe i felt he was hinting that me being *** is a phase. This doesnt really seem like a letter, more so a journal, but alas, im sure it will be interesting to read it. Everyone is really hyped about overwatch, even though it looks kinda MEH. Travis is still dating ella, and everyone else (as far as i know) is single. Mq has been single forever, ive been single forever, anthony has been single forever, bryce... yeah, travis has ella, casey had that one chick that mad cheated on him. ****, 3rd semester almost done, well I probably dont have enough credits to be considered a 3rd semester, but whatever. I hope summer was cool. I hope im in a relationship with someone :) I still think that that smiley face looks really ***, but hey, i gotta fit the part. No shave november. I. HATE. THIS. my face feels ******* awful. travis is mad obsessed with weed still, im kinda over it. casey has started to drink a little bit, but it seems like a bad path to be going down. I still know almost nothing about anthony. Mq hates school, is going to be minecraft kid. please tell me ive at least lost my v card. 18 yrs old and still have it, granted i wasnt looking to lose it to a girl. I think im going to send this 10 years and 1 year into the future, because im sure 10 years things will be WAY different, that being either im dead or at least out of school working (bleh). Im sure reddit is dead, not sure about twitch or youtube. hopefully theres some really cool **** there. Weed legal everywhere? no? okay. laura, lisa, how are they? lisa's child is going to be almost 10, jesus ******* christ. Jen have kids? Laura kids? **** this is weird guessing these things. Yea, I (being you) already know these things, but i (being me) dont really know ****, other than lisa is having a child. I hope to be comfortable enough with whoever im with to share this, because this is probably really ****** cool to read, if you do say so myself. i still find it weird that popcorn straight up asked if i was ***, and that really made me realize it tbh. It sucks straight up lie ing to peoples faces, saying no, im not ***. Gahhhh this feels so weird Ive only recently accepted myself as ***. idk why i keep going back to that, i guess its kind of a big deal to me. i kinda want to send this only 5 years, but then again, i dont feel like changing all the 10 yr information. wow i just realized that you are 28, holy **** youre old compared to now. for some reason i hope that youre married to someone ******* fantastic. If for some reason that person is a girl, then **** you must be fine because I dont swing that way normally, at least rn. If for some reason this doesnt go to me, then well **** lmao. that would be kinda awkward i guess. I kinda wish i could just message everyone i know that im *** and get it all over with at once, but i also want to tell people individually and in person if possible. uncle jim and aunt sandy are repulsive due to their form and their views on the world. I dont really care much about my cousins, except michael, marissa, and jay que que. dont you stop practicing asl now, that skill is mad useful and fun as ****. my fear of public speaking is crippling. I still remember that day in highscool where i couldnt stop thinking about dad and how i kept hoping he would be okay, even though i had no idea if anything had even happened to him, it was a seemingly normal day. then after school mom said that he was in the hospital but was alright, and they didnt know what was wrong/couldnt find anything so he was discharged. That sticks with me so much for some reason. The floppy wrists thing that dad said is ******* with me hard, feels bad man. I really dislike his jokes about *** people and up the butt things etc. Idk, hes a really cool person but like im not so sure how he will react to my secret. This must be like over a page by now lol. sam said that he was going to vote for trump, and im pretty sure hes retarded. Sam is definitely going to be one of the last people to know, especially because i know he is against being *** for some reason. like for christs sake we were raised in one of the most accepting environments and hes still homophobic. disgusting. it sucks saying no when people ask if i have a girlfriend yet. Im sure once some people know and someone asks if i have a girlfriend that doesnt know in front of someone who does know its going to be funny. I hope that the people who do know in that situation dont tell though, that would be pretty ******, since its for me to tell. im very excited for the next wedding i go to, since now im old enough to just get smashed afterwards and have a great time. I hope its lauras. lisa and jen dont know that i havent actually lost my v card yet, as well as the beckerfest gang. Gah that was really dumb of me, but also seemingly smart for me to hide this so well. Thank you subconscious! welp, i dont really know what else to say, so i guess im signing off. Peace out girl scout ;) <3