A letter from May 30th, 2015

Dear FutureMe, Hey there. Brace yourself because this is going to be one hell of a long letter haha! Well, this is the second letter I`m writing to you (me, but i`ll be writing `you` for the sake of this letter being readable haha). I wrote the first one in July/August last year I think. God I was such a mess back then. Well I just wanted to tell you how are things going on now. I beat my depression, beat it to the heart of it. I still get days when I feel like I should be depressed, but it`s nothing compared to last year. God 2014 was revolting. But it seems like 2015 is my year! Well, a warm up for 2016 it seems haha :) I had my phone turned off almost whole day today (it`s Saturday btw) because I didn`t go to music school and I didn`t want to answer the call if my professors called me hahaha I officially won`t be failing this year (you`re probably too lazy to calculate what year at high school I`m at now, so I`m just going to tell you - second). I had problem with math, cause I had three 1s in logarithms (Fs for you Americans haha) and the teacher wouldn`t have let me pass even if I had 3 in exponential equations and 3 in trigonometry. But I got 2 in logarithms so I`m safe. I also got 2 in writing test in latin!! I was sure I`d get 1, I was so scared! But I (somehow) managed to get 2 so now I`m safe with latin too!! Do you remember how scared you were of Prof Bjelica, the latin teacher? How you were praying every single lesson not to be called to verbal answer? You probably forgot (like I now forgot how scared I was of Prof Snezana, the physics teacher from primary school). Well I am SCARED AS HELL of the latin theacher (Prof Bjelica). The only reason I`m scared of him is because I don`t study latin, I decided on the beginning of high school that I won`t be studying a dead language, so that`s what I`m doing. And I didn`t want to go to summer school because then I`d be obliged to learn it. But I managed these 2 years without much studying (I have to have a verbal examination next week, for my final grade, but I`ve studied and I`ll be studying these 7 or so lectures, get 2 or 3 and then I`m a free woman!). Apart from that, quite a few things happened since I sent you the last letter. I got a dog, Tifani, and she`s having her first birthday on Monday!!! Time flies, God. She`s currently with mom, dad and Ana (for all those strangers reading, Ana is my sister) at the village. They went there just for a weekend, and I`m here with grans (grandma). It feels SO WEIRD not having Tifani here!! I wasn`t even conscious of how safe she made me feel! She is a small dog, but wherever someone walks in the hall outside our apartment she barks, and not having her here is making me kinda scared (I got used to knowing she would warn us if someone tried to break in or something). Also couple weeks ago aired the episode of Greys Anatomy in which Derek dies. OH MY GOD!!!!!! I cried my soul out! I didn`t even realized how attached I was to fictional characters until her died! You know how I never knew what to answer to the question `What`s your favorite movie?`? Well now I have quite a few movies I like, second half of 2014 and first half of 2015 were produstive! Right now my favorite movies are The Theory of Everything, Age of Adaline (which I watched just yesterday!), The Fault In Our Stars, If I Stay, Harry Potter ofc, ... Not much, but. I am still obsessed with Harry Potter, yeah. And Michael Jackson. Tho I discovered some awesome artist from 80s that make me wish I lived in that time! Queen, Europe, Crvena jabuka, ... I really like that music. `Carrie` (from Europe) feels like just the right song for me, not so much for the lyrics, but for the music and Joeys voice. I currently have 142 followers on instagram which really makes me happy, but I want to have A LOT more haha. I don`t even know what I want. As for life occupation, I would love to be makeup artist and hair stylist. But I feel those people are underestimated and I don`t want to be underestimated ever in my life. I want to be a personal trainer just because I love fitness and It`d require me to be fit and healthy all my life (which will enable me to fulfill my dream of looking young despite old age). But with my brains it is a pity not to finish university. But then, I will spend 4 more years of my life studying if i go to university, and I hate studing and having to go to classes!! I know that if i go to university I will make myself think that I have to have all 9s and 10s (the highest grades) and I will just be under immense pressure! And I am under great pressure now, and I`m just in high school, I feel so stressed out I could cry! And I started looking my hair, I just want to finish school and live my life! I don`t want to be bothered with grades, tests and homework! I know it sounds silly of me, to complain about school because I am 100% sure that every adult would tell me to enjoy this care-free time and that it is a struggle to be an adult with all the obligations and everything. But no! This is not a care-free time! Not If I`m constantly stressed about stupid grades and if there`s just a thin like between me and a nervous break down! I really can`t stand this! I just want to be let alone, nobody standing over me telling me I have to study! I think that might be the reason I want to be a personal trainer, because there`s not something I have to do. My job`d be to help and encourage people train and lose wight. There won`t be a deadline for handing in paper work or something. I just want to be free for once. Well now that that`s off my chest, I can keep rambling. I`ve been thinking what`d be names for my children, once I have them (I don`t plan on having kids before I`m 28, kids pull you back and I just want to be f r e e. And I`ll also find a surogate mother so I don`t have to be pregnant myself. Iugh pregnancy is the most disgusting thing ever, another human being inside of you, iugh). Yeah so the names are Alexander Michelangelo, Kaan, Nico or Jan for boy and Quinn or Barbie for girl. I refer Kaan and Nico and Quinn. I`ve also decided to start writing my journal of all the things that happen to me and feelings I have so I can give it to my kids and grandkids etc when they`re teenagers to read (because I would give ANYTHING to get an insight in the teenage life of my mum and grandma). I love my parents, my mum did a great job raising me, but I believe I`ll be better. I mean, she is not so open minded. What I want to say is she`s not so good at psychology, and when I express some of my feelings she attacks me by saying I souldn`t feel sad/angry because I have such a great life and because she gave me everything she could. And that, my friend, is another kind of pressure that is put on my shoulders. `Always be happy because I think there`s nothing to be sad about in your life`. There is a plenty of things I can be sad about. Everybody is sad sometimes, don`t take that away from me. Another thing is, she wants to know everything that happens in my life. Where I, since I was a child, was never open about my feelings. I always hid feeling afraid or sad or anything (the only emotions I show are surprise, anger and happiness) because I felt embarrassing. I don`t know why showing someone I was sad embarrass me, but I don`t want to show my weakness. I don`t show when I`m afraid or sad or because I don`t want others to think I`m not strong. So I act strong at all times. Even when I`m in enormous pain (like stomach cramps I get when I get my period) you can`t guess I`m in pain by the way I stand or talk or look or my face expression. I`ve just learned to hide it. And I can`t talk about feelings to someone (well, I can talk about anger and hapinnes, but nothing else). I don`t know. I seem to have made an emotion-repelling wall around myself, and I don`t let anyone connect with me on emotional lever. I bet it`s because of J. Oh my God screw J, he`s a jerk. Yeah, so I don`t have much to talk about. Current big news: BRUCE JENNER IS TRANSITIONING INTO A WOMAN; BOB AND LOB HAIRSTYLES ARE ON POINT; THICK EYEBROWS ARE ON FLEEK; KYLIE JENNER GOT LIP INJECTIONS; 90S GRUNGE FASHION TREND IS STILL ROLLING; THEY ARE TRYING TO MAKE *** LOOK NORMAL (tho I have nothing against *** people); GIGI HADID IS THE NEW CARA DENVELIGNE (or whatever is her last name, I never fully read it lol); and so on and so on. Now I don`t know what date to put this to be send to. I don`t even remember what date I put when I wrote the last letter. Maybe 10 years in the future? I`ll be 26 at that time. Or like, 14, so I am 30 when I get the letter. I think I want to be 26 when I get it. I`ll be out of university (if i decide to fo to it), I should become successful at my job by then If I`ve decided not to got o university. Well, I hope I am alive at that time hahah. But yeah, I`m being real, it`s ten years time I`m talking about here. A lot could happen. I could (God forbid) have been in a car accident and died or been in a coma, have gotten some serious disease (again, God forbid). I shall be optimistic with this one and hope to be alive hahaha. The only thing I don`t want to be is like those women from movies, trying by all means to find their true love at the age of 30 hahahaha. Well anyways (I seem to say a lot of `well`s), I`ve got to go study biology a bit and then go to sleep because I have geman class in the morning (it is 12:13 PM right now in case you were wondering). May the odds be in your favor. Love always, Milena xxxxxxx P.S. I have no idea why I`ve put the date for this to be sent the January 20th, I just kinda randomly thought about the date and felt like this was the cool one hahahaha wow I`m so cool hahaha Oh and another Post Scriptum, I know that people in 80s thought we`ll have flying cars and stuff here in 21st century (tho we have prototypes of hooverbikes and hooverboards), but as technology is changing so fast, there might be another big thing instead of internet. And email might not exist, or be used anymore. Well, I hope this will reach me somehow. Or even if it doesn`t, I hope you had fun reading it haha