A letter from April 22nd, 2015

Dear FutureMe, I'm not even sure why I am writing this. Perhaps I hope for the moment it may prove to be cathartic, there isn't anyone I really feel I can share my thoughts with or perhaps I am too scared to. I just know I still am in limbo and I really hope that in the future I will have been able to get off that particular train. I say this in all seriousness since I know at the moment I cant give myself closure. Perhaps its a stupid forlorn hope that I can arrange for the clock to turn back and regain the relationship I once had with Mel, but even as I write I know this cannot be. Everything was stacked against it from the start. Lets be honest falling in love with someone half my age and on the other side of the world wasn't the most sensible thing I have ever done. But the feeling I had for a magical 12 months even now counters all the heartache I've suffered since. I wonder how many people actually get to experience that level of love, certainly outside of my immediate family she is the only person I truly would have died for. There has to be a degree of irony in the fact that if I died now she wouldn't even notice, I don't even know now if she would care. It's heartbreaking. There is nothing I wouldn't have done for her and you know for a while I really believe she felt the same way. I didn't live my life vicariously through her but I lived for her. I wanted please her,' make her happy. She really was my world. Seeing a message appear on my phone from her would send a shiver down my spine. I would practically spin the phone in the air in an impromptu juggle trying to access the message as fast as possible. I'm sure cartoons used me as a template. We talked for hours and hours twice a day. Often about nothing sometimes about everything. She was my one. God she was funny, ****, intelligent. witty and had such a wide range of interests. She was also self centered. Loud, brash, outrageous and she still melted my heart. She made me cry as an adult more than anyone I've ever experienced in my life. She put me In a very dark place. A very very dark place and one that I only just managed to get out of. How close I came I don't really know but for a while it was a very viable option. Yet I still love her. Certain records playing can materialise her to be beside me. Looking into my eyes, smiling that smile and I can remember that when she did, I felt I was the luckiest person on the planet because of her. If she were to read this now my guess is she would dismiss it all as mawkish sentimental crap. Perhaps I do sound like a lovelorn teenage girl, but I went through 56 years of life looking for her. I think I am allowed to grieve a bit for losing her. I think what hurts the most now is she doesn't even want to be friends. I'm not even worth a hello anymore. The second to last message I had from her was signed off with "best". Christ she will never know how deeply she hurt me with that. Best what? wishes? best of luck? best you **** off? would it have hurt so much as to just sign off with Mx? A hint of affection that's all I wanted. Is this what bereavement feels like after you lose a partner? I suspect it is so. Some ppl have said forget her. move one. shes gone you'll find someone better. She certainly has tainted my ability to fall for someone else. I've met some amazing girls but none of them are Mel. God I hope in ten years I wont still feel like this. Was there any good to come from this infatuation / love story? I hope so. I do believe that without meeting me she would not have met the guy who was able to give her the greatest gift she thought she would never get. Her child. I doubt if I could have done that but I was prepared to go down any avenue for her no matter how scared it made me but knowing how deeply she wanted her own child fills me with joy for her that she has finally had her own miracle. . You know for a while we were technically engaged. and if she had said lets get married when I went to see her I would have done so on the spot. There is nothing I would have wanted more. Have I felt this way again in the intervening years? I hope so. I also hope I didn't have the nagging doubt that I wasn't quite good enough for her as I had with Mel. I like to think I have a heart that is worth having, I don't want to be lonely and I don't want to feel like who ever I chose is second best. I hope I can find somebody who can captivate me as Mel did. I cant envisage at this moment in time that who ever I find will own me 100% There will forever be that little bit that's reserved for Mel and Mel alone. If there wasn't what would the point of everything I've gone through be for? Don't forget to look for the box with all the mementos and the book I wrote for her. Talk about a labour of love. Yet, again I have a suspicion it took her more than a year to actually read it. Well played mel. you win again at being the ice queen. I've written this today because it is practically a year since with last spoke. How will I ever get past the fact Ill never get a call that starts with "waddup Princess?" and hear her roar with laughter down the phone at me. You may have worked out by now I miss her. She took part of me away with her when she went. She was my best friend and to date, the love of my life.. How about other stuff? If Karma can kick in for you properly you'll finally have some money and the slackline business will have really taken off, I wonder if the skate park business will be as it was. I'd like to think that I am content. I cant imagine life will ever be stress free for me but I hope I can be satisfied with my lot. I hope we have managed to travel the world more and get back to Thailand or Australia (cant get that girl out of my life can I?) and the States. who knows where else. Still rowing and sailing? please don't let me get to where you are and find out you've joined the bowls club Did you ever get to play a tune on a banjo? - use this letter as a kick up your own arse to prove you can! even if it is just one tune, make sure you can play it well! Languages? 10 years to master French or German to the degree you can just chat with someone. come on it isn't that hard, you can do it!! Lets hope you are still riding a motorbike Wouldn't It be nice if Issy could like me even half as much as James ten years from now. I'm immensely proud of the pair of them but I do believe that James understands the difference between Stuart and myself and what I could physically do financially for them both a bit better than Issy can. The reality is Stuart gave them things I could only dream of, once more that feeling of being second best rises to the surface. But I like to think I gave more than an awful lot of people in my position would have done. I certainly gave more than I could afford. Not that I would ever tell either of them that. Maybe they are my greatest legacy. I think they will both do well and I like to think I have helped to shape how they are even in a slight way. I wonder how they will be. Married probably! What else do i wish for myself? Despite my best efforts at pretending to myself that I'm great I do have a deep seated fear that I'm all a sham, actually not much good at very much. relationships, making money, sport. life in general. Some school reports used to say he has the ability but doesn't always apply it. Could do better. Did i ever learn to do better? Am i worth anyone bothering about? I don't think I am a lost cause I do have a few redeeming qualities no matter how deeply they are buried or how well they are hidden. It sounds like I'm on a big downer on myself but I'm not totally, I'm just trying to be honest. I recognise that I am a kind person and I really do work hard and try my best. Most of the time its others' happiness that over rides my own, I try to think of other ppl first. sometimes to my own detriment.. is that good or bad? Am I still like that? I think if I can sum everything up in one wish for myself it's this. I hope you are happy. See you in 10 years!