A letter from the past

Hi Mike. Its January 10th, around 10pm. Im bored and sitting at the Hotel, an hour away from going home... but to what? I dont feel as if Im building anything - nothing to work toward, nothing to really accomplish. I just pine for stuff I cant afford and worry about... things beyond my control. I worry because it seems everyone else simply 'is' happy, no matter what's going on in their lives. I received a letter, like this one, from myself - dated October 2009. I wrote it in a time of... pretty significant despair; when things with Rebecca were bad and I just wanted out; when the idea of BC was this shining example - something distant to follow. But its hard, at least for me, to keep something like that up it seems - to keep this distant idea in your head, fresh and exciting, day after day. I feel nothing... and thats not normal, Mike. Getting that letter just seemed... weird. It was weird reading my own words - but they seemed so alien - the passage of time changing me I guess, but... I was sad. That past me was hoping - begging - that the future it spoke to would contain something different, better, even changed. I dont know that it was on any of those counts. Things with Rebecca are OK - we're each trying to give the other their particular forms of affection. Its slow going so far; we each find the other's efforts very saccharine, but with time, I hope it will become the accepted norm (the efforts, not the saccharine nature). THe past me from the previous letter, though he didnt say it, all but hoped I would be single by the time I received that letter. I dont know how I hope you will be, but I hope you're happy, one way or the other. Just... know that it is NEVER TOO LATE - too late to make changes, good ones. Fight for them, they - and you - are worth it, even if you can't always see that. Sometimes it takes an outside perspective. Buy yourself a book today, and buy something cute for Rebecca - if you're still together. And think - seriously think - if you are happy, because if you're not, here is your wakeup call. You've already been 'pinged' once, now twice, how many more times will it take? Im sorry you can't write back. I know how much you wish for that kind of intimate contact. Just know that - we're a decent person, worth something. Not because we're entitled, but because of our conduct, our behaviour, and what we're willing to do and stand up for. Dont forget that, and do your best to live by it. Keep your chin up Mike