A letter from May 09, 2026

Dear Future Me, 1:39 am It is quite embarrassing to convey my thoughts, especially on a public platform. Still, I think it's necessary. Being 21 is quite difficult, though less difficult than being 20 and way less difficult than being 19,18,17 and so on. Suddenly, I hit a certain age, and everyone began having expectations and hope. Now I am not a child anymore, so being a new adult with no experience whatsoever is quite a humbling experience. But what is haunting me is my own expectations and vision for my future. I feel so useless, and I keep seeking validation from any possible means. I keep my own feelings at bay. Before I could even experience it, I began dissecting it like a case study. I know that we were never someone's priority since childhood, except us, but now it's so hard to live with myself. And it's not the comfort or warmth of another that I desire; I need me to be myself again. Throughout my whole childhood, I never fit in. Not in my elementary friends circle or middle school or high school; omg that was TRAUMATIC, and of course, we were busy surviving our last two years of school. Still, I do not have friends at my university. The only group of people I have now, which is way too much to count, feels so close but on the other side of a veil. Mom always prioritises my brother, while Dad loves his cat. I am just a shadow of my dad when I express myself. I never fully belonged anywhere or to someone. So, that explains my trying hardest for everyone. I keep starving my soul while trying to feed the well-off town. Which is quite a good thing, except now I begin eating my own flesh. Still, hope is such a strong emotion that it always wins over my fear, anxiety, and anger. Yet, now, even the hope I have feels so fake. I feel so fake. So weird to me. We are indeed the museum of everyone we met, through and through, but if the museum is built over my heart, won't it feel heavy? And since I am enslaved to my emotions, writing this feels like rebelling against a powerful force that I have decided to disobey. I refuse to let it control me any further. I do not know what to write anymore. I know I have something very important to tell you, but years of suppressed emotions cannot be unravelled in a single night. So for now, my love, this is what I wanna say to you. As my belief and hope are way stronger than any of my fear, anxiety, and anger. As I am not pushing it away, whether positive or negative, it's mine. By the end of this letter, I promise to complete that **** book and land my first internship by the end of this year. I will eat better and be better. I will heal myself. And I will always choose myself again and again, even if I get lost. With love, Janhavi/ Vivi 2:09 am