A letter from Apr 26, 2026

04/26/2026 "but yes, sascha. it's not easy. you must not succumb to yale. you must sulk, and you must sulk in class, you must make it known who you are and not become a yale student. you must not smile when it does not feel right. you are allowed to make fault, but do not lie about yourself in its entirety. i know its hard to not get replies. to like anything. you try so hard and nothing comes of it, largely." from october yes, this is correct. the months since october have been months about the self, about finding things to do with me, to live with the feelings that i have -- the anxiety i come to be familiar with rather than at war with, the sense that relationships and feelings exist in time and distance will form and that it is actually possible for the sequence of every breath to span my lifetime, and that the forever of it all is manageable or comprehensible. it's interesting, sometimes i feel that i am still not able to make myself known, but in hindsight i am making quite a good effort. with wyatt, knowing that i didn't morph myself into a person that would be able to squeeze through, is a good reframing of it, that i have gone and seen evan from yale and we have understanding of one another and not that magically everything is integrated but it's just, that it's manageable and i am glad and there is a response to one another that is held. "i know it's hard not to get replies" - and wow, yes this is still true, that things are quite spread out and that it's not one person or one place to return to every time because people are not that accessible at the moment, but that i have some foundation of myself and the fact that i do feel connected to people which makes things much easier, and makes me me feel more assured regardless. i am currently quite subdued from the nicotine, and probably a long time of complicated physical strains. this weekend has involved lots of drinking and other (spring fling was yesterday, and i did manage to go and see Zara Larsson, even though for a moment I thought i had replicated last year). I also need to remember to update my knowledge of the state of the world, that when i find out something the fears around thinking that it wasn't true can be resolved. there are a couple things i'm quite worried about - like buying from 7 clouds tonight, and nettspend. i can't exactly describe the physical discomfort other than that it's quite in my body, and that it will pass, and that i want to have it go away and take my mind off of it. but it will pass (i'm not sure what happens for that to occur but it does). i don't have much to say. i'm quite excited to hear about Odum, and i have no idea what it will be like or what you will experience. i'm hoping you make something out of it, at least one thing. that's my main goal. i hope you drive at least once somewhere, i hope that things have at least one purpose at this point. i'm also excited for the summer, and being at home for a few weeks, and again hoping i do at least one thing during that time. i am excited for may 7th to come, and for all of my schoolwork to be over, knowing that the stress i feel will be temporary and that i am facing multiple commitments and have to keep my mental focus somewhat on information and concepts right now.  kk bye 10/19/2025 i remember, september. don't worry. i remember that moment of loss, the loss of the summer. i remember it because i feel like i'm constantly in grief for a live that almost happened, or that happened just for a minute. i've thought and thought and there hasn't been anything that has given me solace about these things. so i am starting to think it is something where there is not solace.  i have somewhat accepted that the world is an emotional desert. at times i find oases. but largely it is here that i am. so i play music that makes me feel something and i continue searching. i don't know how long i can search for, but i am still doing it. i am still searching for someone who can sustain the same emotional depth as me and not have it break them. there are times where it has broke me in the past but after this i feel unbreakable. not strong, but unbreakable, that i can again and again commit and wait for the rejection.  but yes, sascha. it's not easy. you must not succumb to yale. you must sulk, and you must sulk in class, you must make it known who you are and not become a yale student. you must not smile when it does not feel right. you are allowed to make fault, but do not lie about yourself in its entirety. i know its hard to not get replies. to like anything. you try so hard and nothing comes of it, largely. i want to embark on a journey. i am ready to commit to something. i just dont know what. josh felt right for a second-- that i could leave yale and go to him, and that i could make a new version of myself that i liked better. i want to do that. i want to be the person that i want to be. there is so much between here and there. the two options are to slowly change over years, or to commit now. i'm ready to commit. but i just need something to commit to. ? what do i do. december, i love you. i love you and i love. and i have so much love in my heart. maybe i can love you? i do love you, i think. i see you as a more complete version of me, i grow more complete every month that goes by. i want you to do something. do something, please. there is so much. you have so much. also, whatever you feel yale is taking from you is recoverable. that's so obvious. we need to get out of here. good luck 09/01/2025 I go many days without texting him. I am at Yale and I do not think about him for a few days. I text him once, perhaps I think about him in the context of a story I tell others. It is only two nights ago, the night of August 30th, that I feel everything come back, and I realize that I love him. Now that I have spent a day with Jules, feeling loved, I am not so sure. I am confused about how I am feeling. It's so very unclear. Do feel as though I miss him, though in reality he is not what I miss but something about how I felt with him. And now I do not feel that with him or without him. I am grieving the loss of the love that I had for him, the love that I could feel unconditionally because no matter what he did I still loved him. No matter what I had to go through to keep myself stable. I kept myself together, I grew, I felt. I felt so much and now it is a struggle to feel. They hurt but I cannot fully wrap my head around what I am feeling. August, you knew so much. You had a reason to keep yourself together. It is hard to find this reason now. Yale has immediately made me lose so much reasoning. I feel that I need to leave, or perhaps detach myself from it so wholly. The latter is harder emotionally, but the former is harder, harder, heavier, a part change. Yes. It is like dropping my ring into a champagne bottle, and accepting that my marriage is over. Yale has not made me grumpy, but it has lost me. I feel lost and anxious, oh so anxious. My heart is tight and there is amoment I feel okay in Jules's arms and then I remember everything that happens and I feel so scared. I feel scared. I need to dunk my face in a bucket of ice water, sascha you have helped me realize this. it is my need. But i have no bucket and no ice and i am tired, sascha. i am tired and i don't know how to rest. i need to be away from this place, i need to be back at home eating persimmons and with my mother, or with malachi and his cat, or with lauren. i need to be anywhere else, i need to be unburdened by this place and its assignments and its people and its emotional desolation. it is a desert and i am thirsty, oh how this is my fear. to be in a desert without water, not even that i am being ****** but that i have such a primal fear of thirst, that i am thrashing before i even feel the curtain of dehydration fall, that i spend my energy scurrying like a scared cat, because all i want is for someone to be here with me and for us to be in love. I want Evan's love. I want Evan in the desert with me, but he is in the city worrying about his future. Why is it a man. Why is it men. I do not understand this within myself. "do not fall back into the secrets. " Oh how I have fallen back into the secrets. Oh sascha. What do i do. I wish it wasn't so. Sadly, Sascha October, I love you, and I'm so scared. I am scared for this month. It will be hard. I am ready now. Just now.