A letter from Apr 15, 2026

Dear FutureMe, Congratulations! You made it to your 50th birthday! It's Tax Day in the United States, and you're sitting in a presentation at work so that you can get out of actually working. If someone would have told you when you were a teenager that you would get paid good money some day to sit in a meeting, you would have thought they were nuts. Alas, here we are. On the occasion of your 50th birthday, it's time to reflect on how life has been going: - Both your parents are now dead. It's mentally overwhelming to think of yourself as "the elder" in the family. - You have cut off your family that continues to support Republicans and the fascist government. **** them all. - Religion now has no place in your life. It's great to have your brain functioning for the first time in your adult life. You realize that all religions are cults, and to think that any gods exist is somewhat nuts. - Having a spouse with chronic illness is incredibly draining. You wish you could get your wife back. You wish she had a libido. You wish you didn't have to work, then come home and do things she didn't get done because she's always tired. If you had the money to afford a maid, you would do that just to not have the house look like a ********. - You are absolutely tired of working. - The future feels hard to plan for given all the chaos in the United States, and you're not really hopeful for what the future will bring. Since you know from experience that one-on-one therapy is pretty much garbage, perhaps you should look into group therapy for a men's group. Working on some actionable goals could also help. You feel so stuck right now, that having something to work toward could be just what you need. So, let's consider some possible goals to shoot for in the next year: - Purchase land for an external getaway site: You have always wanted a place in the country. Since it seems like moving won't happen anytime soon, work on finding some land you can purchase. You could put a tiny home or one of those small shacks on it and make a getaway place, preferably an hour from the house. And if everything goes to ****, it can be your new home! - Work on moving toward renewable energy: things are only going to get worse with the oligarchs in charge. Find ways to work toward getting off the ******* grid and out of this capitalist hellhole. - Time to get back in shape: remember a couple of years ago when you were ******* it getting into shape? You might as well get back to that. Remember how good you felt? How light you were? How awesome it was to have clothes fit right for a change? How great it was to have people come up and compliment you? You can get back to that, but you know what to do — all that work is done in the kitchen. - Find a new job: Man, you just don't have the drive where you work at anymore. It's time to move on if you can. It's hard to find work these days with unemployment the way it is, but you still need to try. Get out there. Network. Attend some meetups. Rub shoulders and get your name in front of people. Write about your expertise on your blog. I know you're trying to make it to that date in August to hit your 10 years, but if a good opportunity comes up before then, don't miss it just to hit a number. - Get fashionable: Your style is boring. You need to figure out your style, and lean into it hard. Get noticed for being yourself, unapologetically. - Get more tattoos: You've done well getting a couple, how about another one? You know you want metal horns — \m/ — on your arm or leg, so go ahead and do that. Welp, that about sounds it up. Happy Birthday. I hope you have a good one and get that One Big Gift you've wanted for so long (but don't count on it).