Zoya breakup | Tanisha | Shrooms | Who am I if I took away all the noise from the internet | I want to be someone

Hey me in the future! I am not happy with the state of the world and the state of content on the internet and the perception of pyschology and the practices that psychologists and psychiatrists employ. I don't like what I hear from the general populace. How can you be in a proffession that deals with humans and have no empathy. I want to create some change. Sometimes I falter. Sometimes I lose my way. I wonder if it's my will that is not strong enough. I don't think so. I think I just suffer from mental health disorders that have been holding me back. I sometimes feel like they don't exist and I am the issue but it's been far too long that I have struggled for me to not see this as an issue. I really messed up by dating Zoya. I wasn't sure of my feelings and I was being mostly genuine. I did want to be physically intimate with her and I tried getting her trust but that was a mutual thing. I know that I didn't just want to hit it and quit it. I slowly fell out of liking her and it is my fault for being physical so fast before getting to know her on a deeper level. I regret my actions deeply and I won't make the same mistake again. I really did care for her and am grateful that I met her. I am sorry Zoya, you were a great partner but you weren't what I needed in life. I hope someone loves you the way you loved me. I took mushrooms last night and came to a few major realisations. One of them was what I wrote above about Zoya, the other was that I genuinely like Tanisha and I want to ask her out. I've always seen her as a friend and she's been one of my best friends. I have seen the way I talk about her with others is unlike any other girl I have met. Genuire admiration and fondness of her character and personality. She is supportive and smart and sweet and everything that makes me feel like I'm talking to my best friend. I really really want to be with her romantically. I think I would regret never asking her out or at least asking her if there was ever a chance. I wonder if you are dating her or if the friendship is awkward at the time of reading this. Could have been someone completely different that you met instead. I realised that I can love again after I thought about how I look at Tanisha. I like her as a person first and never considered her as anything more but if I were to date her then I would literally be dating my best friend. She makes me laugh in a way only a few girls have made me laugh. She supported me when I was super low after finding out my ex moved on. She genuinely cares about me as a person. I have kind of been not there for her. I was in my using women era and thought of her as another female friend that I can just keep close but not too close. But I always liked her the most. Close second would be sree. Even if it doesn't work out or if she isn't emotionally available or if she likes someone else, I know now that I can like someone again and it fills me with a warmth I haven't felt in ages. I feel like opening up to the world and being with someone again. She is smart and talented and did I say pretty as ****. I know she's pretty and can look like a goddess but that wasn't the most attractive part about her. It was the person behind it all. I didn't think I could like someone so deeply. I really want to be with her and treat her well. I don't mind yearning for this person. I don't mind being friendzoned by her. I think I can fall in love with her. I'm crying right now and I dont know why. It feels overwhelming and reassuring and like freedom from my shackles of my past. I feel different about my ex. I'm glad she was there. She taught me valuable things and I'm glad it was her. She wasn't the right match and I accept it now and I don't feel like going back to her or trying to contact her. I am ready to move on with my life and do things I want to do and need to do. I want to create art but I can't visualise it in my head. I don't know why. I have an intuition of what I think could work. I see in feelings. E.g. I hear a song that moves me and I "see" by feeling what a clip might make me feel while listening to the song and watching the edit along with it. I realise that this is a myopic view of creating art as it comes in different forms but I want to make this my own thing because I have grown up with it and I have been moved by it and I think something about it is worth implementing. Hey, you've done great so far. You think that you are a failure or a loser because you have not been able to do the things you wanted to do. That's okay. Try again with support from the outside. Take more shrooms I guess bro. Do less party drugs and don't get reliant on shrooms. Not good for you to rely on substances. It's a teacher not a remedy. I think that you will do just fine from here on out. Good luck with uni. I hope you are able to start the projects that you wanted to. Maybe that research paper or some code that you think you could develop. Whatever it is, I hope that it's the genuine you and you have learnt the ability to keep going and pursuing what you need to and want to. You don't have to be like everyone else in society. You just have to move forward in the ways that seem natural to you. Make money in ways that you can genuinely help the world. If you genuinely dread 9-5 that much then figure out a way to live the life you want doing something else that you actually want to. Many people have just sat with **** and figured out what to make and do to make money. There is too much noise on the internet telling you how to make money and do this and do that. Stop listening to that and start listening to the one person who knows all about you... You. Also try not to be too serious all the time. You tend to lock in sometimes but that's okay. Life isn't that deep. We are all going to die and all the people you love will die alongside you. That's comforting is it not. People you loved and people you hated will all face the same fate that you will. It'll be pretty fun I guess. Maybe it's the song I am listnening to right now (https://open.spotify.com/track/1JOUKim8ZlHaM5N43sQ9dq?si=19fa7dc2f8654e44). I also don't want to input songs that dampen me too much because I realise how sounds and music affect my soul. I am especially susceptible to sounds changing my mood. I notice it especially when I am high. Just like how you've done fine before, you will do fine. All the previous letters where you put a lot of pressure on yourself to achieve something because you just wanted to put a goal but then you weren't able to complete any of those goals becasue you set unrealistic expectations for yourself, I won't do that to you again. I remember one time you read a letter from yourself where you didn't write any goals for yourself because you failed the previous ones and that kind of hurt because it felt like even younger you didnt believe in you. That is not what this is. Genuinely, you work differently and I can't put a goal forward without understanding myself more. We will be able to set goals and come close in the future. You also don't have to hit all your goals. Dw. Good luck with content. You are doing fine. Create authentically. Practice humor and speaking and take time to sit with your own thoughts. Also, get a ******* job son im crine 😭. I really am sorry to you Zoya. You are a wonderful human being I messed up with. It's unfortunate that it took breaking your heart for me to realise that I don't want to be this person and I have been living a life I didn't choose and became a twisted person that I never thought possible. In my mind what I did with Zoya, although unintentional, was akin to taking someone's life. I care more for you after the breakup but it still isn't in the way that you wish I cared for you. I'm really really sorry I broke your trust. I didn't do it on purpose. I didn't mean to be an evil person. I wasn't sure of falling in love again. I genuinely wanted to like you and fall in love and have a future. It just wasn't the right match and I shouldn't have slept with you before I was really sure about you. I'm going to become a better person because this guilt weighs heavily on my soul. I can't take back what I did but I can make sure that I am better and never let it happen again. I hope we meet someday and I see you happily married or with another partner who loves you dearly and tends to you the way you need to. I can't wallow in my guilt forever. I am going to send this letter off and I am going to focus on myself. Love you Zoya, not in a way that wants to be with you but in a way that I wouldn't feel for just anyone. I want the best for you. Goodbye tamzid. I love you cro. Don't stop being you and being funny. Make a change in the world that you are proud of.