A letter from Mar 10, 2026

Dear FutureMe, I often fantasize about having someone despise me, like not in a moderate/normal sense, but in like a way where they hate everything about me and all, but I still consume them. I feel like at some point hatred and love become the same. It makes so much sense in my head but man am I forgetful. I think the core of this fantasy is to have someone acknowledge everything I hate about myself but have them still obsess over me/desire me. So earlier today I was thinking of experimenting on my life; like writing everything I want and seeing if I will get it. Anyway it seems like my desire for a romantic relationship isn’t as strong as I thought. I’m just lonely really. Thats the main reason i’m so desperate for a romantic relationship. I came across a video about saturn in the 8th house (some astrology bs) and it said something about people w that placement living a very very long life. That is absolutely mortifying. I think the main reason I don’t want kids or someone I can burden with my absence is because I so strongly desire *****. It’s actually really corny but I swear I don’t mean it in some depressed way. I am disgustingly hungry to learn what happens after *****. I don’t mind not existing, but I like living. Its lovely to live, I just don’t want to age. After some point life will be all muddled and a waste of time. I’m 17 right now but I don’t care to live past 35 years. So thats like 18 years left. Thats plenty. I really don’t think I’m depressed, like seriously. I was talking to my sister earlier and the topic of car accidents came up. Anyway I think I said that “id rather get into a fatal car accident and not be at fault, than be in a minor car accident and be the one at fault” my pride is disgustingly ginormous. Its 9:49pm, I should sleep