A letter from Mar 02, 2026

Dear FutureMe, I hope when you receive this, I will be happy at grad. Today on Sunday March 1, I feel lost and I always been saying these words for a while. I can finally feel a bit more now and I'm trying not to push down my emotions as I've done before. It's so overwhelming and I wish that I can feel a bit better about myself but I'm anxious. I feel I don't fit in and my interests are completely non-mainstream and niche. Being unqiue is okay but it gets to a point where I can't relate to others and I'm just lefted out. There are many things I want to do, I want to change. I feel dysphoric with my mind, there's something off and I want it to bleed out so I can feel free. There is so much I have to worry about before I graduate. Driving, where I'm going, future relationships, my own identity crisis, addiction recovery. Everything feels like its crashing down on me and I have to deal with it. I want to speak but I feel everyone has an biased opinion that I have to be okay since I'm "chill". Maybe I want to go back to he/him pronouns, maybe I want to be a stud, maybe I want to be fem, maybe I don't want a label because it's confusing myself too. Maybe I am this shy nerdy person or maybe I'm nothing at all. I want to feel it all but with my last 3 months of school, I'm not ready for it to come attack me. I feel I will be a burden if I tell others and it will be the same. I want someone who can flip me inside out and say "here, that's all it was coming from" but that is only for me to figure out. I'm 17 but I'm stressing about my whole identity cause it's always been pushed that I got to have a certain look and aesthetic. Why must I be aesthetic? This doesn't even sound like a letter to my fuure self because its just a vent of my insecruities. It's all about me not being enough in my head, physically and mentally to others, not acting grown, I don't feel grown but I am grown. I feel like a kid but I am mature though with a childlike mindset. At the end, I want to break the norm I've been living. Maybe I should get a deep voice, maybe I should look weirder than everyone else. As long as they don't go out to **** me, I want to be free on grad. If they do, I will strive to fight back. I want a suit on grad. I want to break free from this sackle I blindly put under my name Harmonie. I don't often say my name either way, it's my name but seeing it just feels fake. I don't feel her again, Harmonie has died and it's just this soul keeping on the act until I move on. It's time for me to move on. As I write this with the tears foaming in my eyes, may I be more gentler in the future. May I feel my authentic identity, may I fight to protect my identity, may I dress like the "boy" I want to be. And may Hugo come back once more, better, braver and the most authentic transmasc lesbian stud, I want to be.