A letter from Feb 04, 2026

Dear FutureMe, Everything sucks right now. Judah died, I am barely working, I have no money, I'm leeching off of T to pay rent and I feel like it's going to cause an issue in our relationship, my bank account was hacked into, I'm more depressed now than I have been in a very long time. Nothing is working out and I'm trying to wrack my brain for bad decisions that I've made, but the thing that everything comes down to is my mental health. I **** up. I can't get started. I've lost all motivation and I ******* miss Judah. I always said "When Judah dies, I die", and I feel like that has come true in some ways. I'm still here physically, but emotionally and mentally I'm dead. There have been several times when I've had those intrusive thoughts... You know the ones. And I'm afraid that I'm not going to be able to get out of this situation. Everything is very bleak at the moment and I want to give up. I know that life is full of ups and downs, but this down is lower than I think I can handle. How am I supposed to navigate grief, partial unemployment, and pre-existing mental health issues all at the same time? It's too much. How have I gotten here? How have I hit rock bottom so ******* fast? How do I get out of this rut? How do I change anything? I can't bring Judah back. I can't make anyone give me a job. I can't make money appear from no where. I can't make anything happen. I'm subjected to all of this and I feel as if I have no way to protect myself, provide for myself, care for myself. I haven't left my apartment in 4 days. I'm applying to jobs constantly, but I keep getting told no, no, no, no, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!!!! What direction is the universe trying to point me? What decisions am I supposed to make? HOW DO I DO ANY OF THIS??????? I've let myself down. I've somehow destroyed everything, or everything has been destroyed and I'm the one suffering. What am I supposed to do? I'm so lost. I have no control over anything right now and I'm ******* scared. What happens if T decides to break up with me? What happens if I can't pay rent? I've lived out of my car before, I guess that's what will happen. Will the state still deny unemployment benefits if I'm living out of my ******* car because I quit that one job a year and a half ago? I've had other jobs since then, why does that one job ******* matter? I'm a failure. A loser. A leech. A crazy person. I hope that in 6 ******* months that everything will be better. That I'm still here. Good luck.