A letter from Jan 01, 2026

Dear FutureMe, it's me 22 year old me. So i just received your email from when you were 17, and oh my soul that made these days of nothingness feel like something again (that more emo than i anticipated, but whatever, I'm the only one reading this). I loved seeing how you wrote back them, it sounded to genuine and like me, as in the mannerism of the speech, I really loved reading it. Right now its a Thursday afternoon, I'm sitting in the braai area just watching the garden. The day is really slow, well the days have been slow its feels like nobody is in the city, even though obviously people are in the city, but i feel sooooo lonely and left out, when going to Checkers today I remember thinking proper awareness is kinda anxiety inducing. When I was younger and I was bored it was just boredom, as "right now at this very moment I am bored, I don't know what to do to cure this boredom, oh let me ride a bike or watch TV", now I'm thinking of the past, the future, I'm thinking i permantely feel behind my friends are doing things that I dont even know if i could do in 10 years, literally, people are going out, leaving the city the country, and I really try not to think that way, I just try and look at mysely, look at what I have and enjoy my life and play some Beyonce (Cowboy Carter is what I'm on right now, specifically at this very moment Just For Fun), but my mind its a mindfield. Reading that email really did make me smile a little, it was cute and filled with this youthful optimism that I am not going to undermine and take for granted, also why do I sound like I am aging myself. Anyways, life update, I just finished university, I need to mention that I am graduating *** laude purely because at the end of 3rd year I wanted and I could'nt get it, and now i did, so even though everytime I say "I'm graduating *** laude" to myself I feel nothing, I want to honor that I got something I worked hard for. Daddy and I have both ended a chapter in our life of scheduled and structuredness, me obviously with school ending, and daddy with his retirement. To be honest, all of this unknown really is scaring me for myself as well as him, i just hope he is not experiencing the same level of anxiety as I am. I feel like there is more to update about like, but right now this is the only thing on my mind, but let me actually try. So in a few days I am about to do my very first engament shoot and then the next day a wedding ceremony, I am feeling fine but also nervous about it because whenever I start something new, in terms of photography I'll get insecure about wether I have the right gear, but honestly I will be fine I can feel it, and also Akanani will be there with me and whenever him or Baveena are there I always am relaxed, I hope I get to do even more stuff with them. Also speaking of photography has also happened there for me, I am really proud of myself for investing in that, investing time, energy, money, energy, money, energy money. You know whats weird even though this was alot of effort, I don't remember it being as hectic as i thought it would be, literally doing the thing sometimes feels easier than sitting a thinking everything through, its like just do it and figure it out along the way, whats weird is that these days my anixtey does not come from thinking about the far future, its more like close present (does that even make sense, in this world that I am writing, what world? my mind, yes it does make sense, stay with me now) thinking out what am i going to do now, not right now, but now now, like what am i going to do to make money, what am i going to do now to insure for the future i am okay, and is that decision right, i dont know and its stressing me the **** out, anyways photography has been good. Anyways, I have feeling this whole email came off a little more depressing than I anticipated, sorry for that, I did'nt want to speak to much about the future I wanted you to be given a time capsule of the here and now for me, so that you just look back on how far you've come, not in any particular way, not in a good way or bad way, just a little blast from the past for you. For future me, I don't really know what to say to you, I feel like I am too clouded with what is happening now, sorry. However, when I look into the future, me and my little magic ball, I don't see what i don't want to see if you get what i mean (hopefully you do because i don't). I think what I am trying to say is that I trust that you are going to me alright sweetie, one thing i know about you is that you are a soilder, you can literally do ANYTHING nothing is to big when it comes to you, you literally wanted to be the President of the world and then after that wanted to do compture science, all very seriously, like you'll be fine trust and belive. I love you, i wish i could leave you with more, but honestly you don't need it babe, you are exactly who you think you are, that ***** who will figure things out. edit: sorry, I just saw that i couldn't send another email until next year and i feel like i needed to add this. I was reading through other people's futureme emails after i sent mine and it just warmed my heart because across all these different people outlining their problems, hopes, and aspirations, i feel like we are all so similar. One of the common things i saw was people essentially hyping themselves out, asking themselves to trust themselves to make it out of a situation or to become something. Why do we doubt ourselves? I was telling daddy about me receiving this email, and I read him the first few lines, and thereafter he reminded me about this story I wrote in grade 5, he said "i will never forget the story you wrote about being becoming a dog" he told he me he gave the story to his subject advisors asking them to guess the grade of the person who wrote this, daddy really remebers the most interetsing things he remebers a story i wrote in grade 5 so more than 12 years ago, and also remebers excatly when i was born, 06:00 am on the dot, thank you dad i can finally put in my birthchart !!!!! Anyways, I tell that story to say that, throughout my life I have always I have always doubted my abilities or more so undermined them. I remember daddy asking me to continuously read that story over to him, then he asked if I could read it again so that he could type it out so that he could send it to his colleagues. I remember Mr Rudd going on about, and I don't say that to be arrogant, but i say that to say that I never understood it. He saw something in me that I completely never understood. I never got the hype. I would mention every other teacher that had a similar belief, but I think Mr Rudd's belief in my was something that really stood out to me becasue I really did not understand it, the other teachers I understood, I remember feeling I worked hard, that I struggled, so their admiration felt like it made sense, but with him I remember also working hard, but in that i also remeber thinking that I was that good, that other people were just better than me at doing what he asked for, better readers, better speakers, better writters, better actors all of it, but I guess he saw something. (oh my word while writing this i constantly had this feeling that I wanted to cry, but now this memory of my 1st encounter with him is popping in my head and its making me laugh, if you forgot its that time that would auditioned for the talent show in grade 4 then you thought didnt get it, but they just accidently skipped your name, but because you thought you didnt get in you were no longer interested in doing the show, but they kept on calling you, and then last mininute you went to the last rehearshal, but on the day of the show you didnt pitch, and then the next day Mr Rudd came to shout at you but in that way that he does, he is very intimidating sometimes i forget that anyways thats the story (also wtf girl while typing this I'm getting flash backs and what the actually **** that was crazy that you did thatttttttttt, and also I remember that they put me last LAST on the setlist, which my 10 year old minf thought oh my soul that means i am so bad, but now i'm like what the actual hell they literally save the best for last, and I'm not even saying that to hype you up girl, it is literally a fact or at least somewhat of a fact.)) Anyway, that was a huge tangent, and I ultimately wanted to say that sometimes, while all those times we don't see and understand the power, gift, and abilities we have (i literally sound like mommy right now, but i like it). I remember I heard this lady on TikTok say something to the effect of: "a giant looks in the mirror and sees nothing" (oh my goodness, i found out Donda West said this, ahh I'm crying right now). Anyways, I'm going to probably leave you with this, sometimes you are blind to your own greatness, I know that literally being with yourself since the day you were born obviously breeds a familiarity with yourself that ultimately makes you unable to see yourself outside the fact that you are just 'you', but what i would say to that is you are more than who you know yourself to be, or belive to be, you are way more way way way more believe it or not, so do with that what you will. Balls in your court sweetie, love you.