A letter from Dec 19, 2025

Dear FutureMe, —----------------------------------- Let’s talk about love. I don’t know what love is, because I don’t know how to love myself. What makes me happy? I don’t know. What do I truly want to do? I don’t know. I do what other people think is good. But that has turned out to be so wrong. I feel anxious about the things I desire. The name of that desire is “success.” But I don’t even know why I want it. Happiness is actually free. It doesn’t have a price. I am alive. I live happily ever after. —---------------------------------- My parents were both born in small villages in China. I visited those villages when I was a small child. I actually don’t know myself very well. I know I’m smart—I say this confidently because of my achievements and the work I’ve done. I never thought I could be this successful, because I had low expectations for myself. But over time, I realized I’m smarter than I believed. What I’ve achieved has gone far beyond what I imagined. I escaped from my original family and wanted to find a peaceful life where I could live comfortably. I thought I had achieved that goal when I first stepped through the gates of UCLA. But a PhD is difficult. So I spent another four years trying to create a comfortable life. I even interned at Amazon AWS, Google Research, and ByteDance Seed. I also began to meet many well-known researchers from around the world. What I feel is simple: it’s too much. I don’t want to be this successful. The excitement, the pressure of potential, the anxiety, the fear of failure—it all drains me because I’ve poured so much energy into my career. I love research. I love what I’ve done. But when it takes over my personal life, am I still happy? I guess not. I can’t sleep well. I can’t eat well. It takes me two hours to fall asleep every night. I don’t have a routine. I feel bad every morning when I wake up and see my messy studio. My life may continue to be successful, but it’s also messy. And I’m struggling with mental health. I work to live. I work, then I get what I need. I don’t want to suffer anymore. I want to earn the money I deserve, but I don’t want to sacrifice my entire life for my job. I miss that feeling of excitement when I watched TV on Saturday mornings in elementary school. I miss the appetite I had for my parents’ cooking when I was in junior high. High school was a disaster. I also miss the peaceful mind I had—briefly—during my first half-year of college. Then my life collapsed. And it keeps collapsing. I compare myself to my peers. I feel jealous. I want success. I don’t care about my happiness. I’ve lost everything. I’m not happy. People think I’m successful. But I’m not happy. Many times, I’ve thought: if I could relive high school, what would I do to make life better? Plan better? Work harder? Now I know—it’s about loving myself more, and loving others more. I finally have an answer that I believe is truly right. I had answers before, but they were immature and foolish. If my life could be repeated, I hope I’d enjoy it. —----------------------- I love you, but I don’t know how much I can truly be responsible for. I can’t even deal with myself and my own life—so what can I offer you? My life is messy, even before I realize it’s messy. Clarity doesn’t come easily. Awareness. Clarity. Connection. I have to work for all three. Still, I believe— I will be living happily ever after. —----------------------------- How happy I am to return to writing again. I’ve always loved reading and writing, but I lost that part of myself for a while. I also love singing. I enjoy competitive sports like boxing. I crave excitement. And now—I’ve found you. I’m bringing you back into my life. I like you. And you are the goal. —---------------------------------- Why anxious? Does this really matter? Sleep, Eat, Exercise, and Fruit Seeing a doctor, Meditation, Boxing, Concert, Springout, date, cards, writing, reflection, reading, video games, growth, deep talk, best friends. Energetic. Why not pursue what you feel good about? Like those above. Routine. Morning sunlight. Morning coffee. Morning exercise. Good sleep. —--------------------------------------------- What I like: Protect my time. Routine. Morning sunlight. Morning coffee. Morning exercise. Good sleep. Seeing a doctor, Meditation, Boxing, Concert, Springout, date, cards, writing, reflection, reading, video games, growth, deep talk, best friends. Eat well. Fall asleep quickly. Sleep well.