A letter from Dec 10, 2025

Dear Andrew, or whoever you chose to be, Its so silly, so utterly laughable. The long paragraphs for those of loved ones, paper or digital doesn't matter. Its a laughable matter, isnt it? The way he never took it seriously.. The endless “im gonna **** myself” jokes. But when did they actually turn serious? Were they always serious? Jeez writing down this isnt helping. **** , what the **** is wrong with me? Andrew loved you Finn, Andrew always has, since you guys met, since every fight. He never wanted this to happen, never wanted to lose someone like this. Maybe your bluffing, maybe you’ll see your day of white, maybe you’ll go to live in the UK like you wanted, despite Matthew. But, hes just so ******* scared, hes so so so scared. he knows, he knew you love matthew, he knew you always have and that he was just a distraction from your bubbling loneliness, from your inner pain of leaving someone you refused to admit you loved with your whole life. But ****, how he wished to have been there for you more, how he wished for you to stay, how he wished to not be the one to send your letters, let alone see messages written for everyone you loved, past or not. He knows how you feel, to be someone who loves and refuses to admit it, to feel how you're just a person in someone else’s world. Maybe it is, maybe you are, maybe you are a person in someone else's world. But you're important, every side character is someone's favorite, regardless if they don't speak on it. He sure hopes you see your day of white, even if it isn't him waiting or walking down the altar, even if its no one important to him. He just maybe for once see you happy, truly happy with no undergrown sadness or anything. Maybe Im just scared, scared to be alone. I really love you, even if its silly finn. I just. I ugh i dont know. Ill cherish this moment, ill cherish everything. By the time andrew gets this finn, ill be fourteen, fourteen (April 28th)! I really wish I could've seen you grow to be thirteen, but andrew, the name, will be long lost. Im so scared to identify as a name that has blood tainted on it, a life, a suicide note written on it. Your someone important and had such important dreams, i wish i couldve seen you on a stage advocating for teens and people who are scared like you are. I miss you. I miss you so much finn. Im so sorry this cruel world has done this to you, your everything to me, like the sun to the earth. Dear future me, you;ve read everything above, i know you have, its the same email. I hope you are alive, i know its scary, i believe in you. Your 14 now. Go live your life, say hi to grandpa for me. Itll be okay, the names etched into your skin are fine. They're better in heaven now. Gods, im so scared. Im so so scared, are you ? i hope your not, i, mm. I want to be with finn, i so happily need to be, but. Ill live for him. I love him, more then damien, more then anyone. I hope your reading this finn, i hope you really did bluff and were joking abt this in the future. Gosh. thank you so much, for helping me grow into somebody i was supposed to be. Im not a angry person, i never have been, but ive been so scared, ill always see you in red pandas, red pandas were your favorite. Jeez this is long. I love you thank you so much. In honor of you, your server will be a grave. Itll be shut down eventually. It will be an online mourning place, for you and others. I love you so much, happy birthday. forever and always, andrew/yourself.