A letter from Dec 03, 2025

Dear FutureMe, I hope one day i can feel normal. Although I always think to myself, what will then feel like me? I have been living in pain my entire life. Waking up and wishing I was dead.. does it go away? Do I really want to die? I thought once I am settled here, my urge to resort to ***** will leave but it still lingers, sometimes I am afraid it will take over me. but I do not think I am suicidal anymore, even though this year has been really rough for me and I almost attempted. I am afraid of getting diagnosed, everything will seem more real, or even worse, it would not. I hate how I know exactly what is wrong yet I can not shake it off me Am I the things that happened to me? or I am just a ****** person? or does it make me strong and brave? or it masks all that weakness inside of me? No one ever was able to see right through me, no one read me, and once they get just a bit of me they leave me, how funny huh? the year I lost three friends, or the year the person I loved most and thought I can finally trust someone ONCE in my life.. betrayed me? Does forgivness mean peace? I can't forgive my father, I can't forgive my mother for pretending that nothing happened I can't forgive my brother, I can't forgive my uncle, I can't forgive myself for what I have done in the past. Am i a person full of spite? or just someone whos broken? Is going on with your life everyday but feeling like you are lost in those moments normal? feeling like nothing is real and life is not worth anything. do I have a self to return to or am I just.. completely gone. I ask myself alot of questions and hope one day you will find the answers, future me. Happy New Year.