A letter from Nov 25, 2025

this letter carries the weight of all my unsaid feelings that keeps replaying in the back of my head like an old song i try so hard to forget :) i want this day to be last day where I'll be thinking of you. where I'll completely destroy my silent hopes and what ifs of what could've become of us. looking back, I genuinely can't believe that that person is me. the thought alone makes me feel disgusted and disappointed. disgusted not because we happened— rather it was because i didn't know that that side of me could possibly exist. and disappointed because i chose to drown on that unguarded unfamiliar side of me. what we shared together is something that I'm not ashamed about. I'll never dare to think of it as something that i regret doing. especially with you. if anything, i am thankful to you for bringing that side of me out. through you I've learned something new about myself. memories keeps replaying in my head. It haunts and keeps me awake at night. I keep thinking— we just talked. it's not that deep. I lied. I'm a liar. maybe because you were my first in almost everything in that aspect. the first person to make me experience such things and emotions that's why i can't seem to stop thinking about it. It's funny lang cause we didn't even had a label. everything was just really new to me— and so everything that i did and said was unguarded, pure, and genuine. It took a lot of time for me to get my senses back. and after i did, I reflected on my actions— that's when it hit me. "I did all of that?" I asked myself. I was ashamed, disappointed, and embarrassed— not to you, not to anyone, but to myself. because what do you mean i ate all of my words in the past? I let that little thing inside my chest take over my brain and push aside my rationality for a person? a person who isn't even worthy for all of my efforts. I don't wanna make sumbat or anything i swear to god I don't, because I did all of that willingly. I have no one to blame but myself but god forbid a girl loses in touch of reality when she likes someone. I lived in that delusion for so long that I sometimes wish i could go back in the past and slap myself tf out of it. but the damage has been done. she wasn't my anything. she just happens to be the hardest lesson I've first learned about myself through love :) all is well, good riddance.