A letter from Nov 12, 2025

Dear FutureMe, How you doin'? As you might know already,a few hours from now is my b'day. And yet again,I feel empty for some reason. This heaviness,this **** heaviness always find it's way to me. From the past 3 years,I'm crying consistently on my b'day. But this time around,I vowed to not cry and failed terribly. This hollow feeling came rushing back all of a sudden when I least expected it. I've been walking consistently for like 13,000 steps regularly and today as I was walking and as I was walking back,all of a sudden,my heart shattered. I ran,ran to escape this overwhelming feeling,this hollowness but unfortunately I couldn't escape. I came back,balled my eyes in the bathroom just like on my 16th b'day morning. As I woke up went to the bathroom,brushed and cried when brushing for no **** reason. I was just empty and felt so hollow that it ached almost burned and yet again when I'm 19,the pain doesn't seem to subside. Ohhhh Godddd,why does it hurt so **** much???? Probably it's the anxiety of growing up worthless. Or it's just the expectations from the people that's ******* ******* me. I can climb mountains for people and they wouldn't even cross a puddle for me. Why can't I ever be reciprocated?? And it's not like it's a new thing,it's been the same way from the childhood. I'd always been excited for people but never the other way around. Ig it's the same even to this day and I fear it'll be the same for every other year. I wish I could just skip tomorrow so that I don't have to be present tomorrow on my b'day and feel pathetic like all **** year. Up until few hours ago I was nonchalant even if not elated but now I'm exhausted of everything,of everyone. And most of all from me. I wish next year is different. I truly do wish. Even though I'm finally learning guitar like I've always wanted from the past 5 years and even more and I even one quite an expensive one atleast for me and the best thing from my own money. That one thing I yearned for from all these years and I even own a PC now from which I'm writing. Crazy,isn't it? Earlier me,couldn't even have imagined. I already have the gift and now I just need a cake (which I prolly won't get lol) Okay,let's just promise something now! Let's be upset only today and be nonchalant tomorrow even if not happy. I've lots of blessings to count of afterall. Also,I've an exam tomorrow as well,which will help keep my mind off thing even though I won't do anything in it since I didn't study at all even for namesake lol. So yeahhhhh Cheers to my last 19 year!!!!!!^^ You got this Naughty,only be upset for today only. Just for today! Be happy about surviving yet another year on this beautiful Earth tomorrow and forget about those people who gives zero f about you. GOOOO NAUGHTYYYY!!!! (I sure do love writing,writing this made me felt 10x times lighter,my eyes are not puffy anymore.)