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dear future me,
hello, this is super late so i hope that you can forgive me. i had just read our letter from when we were 18 and that was pretty heartfelt and hopeful to say the least.
19 isnt as cracked up as i thought it would be. and it's been hard to find the motivation for anything anymore
and honestly i don't feel as hopeful as before. and i'm tired. so i hope, 20 year old me, that you are doing even just a smidgen better than what i am now. hopefully. maybe
it's hard being at home. it's hard to find the purpose in my life because honestly as pathetic as it sounds, maybe i really did peak in high school
writiing this letter, i'm kind of speechless because i quite literally have not much to write about anymore.
i had written a few though, probably because i'm convinced that i'm not going to be around much longer. whatever fortune people read about me, any misgivings or any horrible thing that they predicted would happen in the future would most likely happen. and i'm honestly not surprised because i dont know.
i know i should be grateful to be alive, to have a family and to have a roof over my head. a loving girlfriend and friends who tell me they miss me. teachers telling me that i am an exceptional musician. why isn't it enough? why cant i just be grateful?
what's wrong with me that i dont appreciate what i have?
i pray sometimes, maybe someone out there is listening to my prayers but all i get is silence. i guess im not as much of a devout catholic as my grandma hopes for me to be lol
so, 20 year old me. i hope that you find your way out of this rut that i got us into. i feel so stuck. i want to die.
i guess thats not really a wise way to go, is it?
back to the letters thing—i was fully prepared to go. i was ready. so i wrote a 5000 word letter saying good bye. how ****** up is that? here, ill give you a little snippet. maybe you can use it as a reminder that you are strong, and that you can get through anything by reminding yourself where you were at before things got better.
here it goes:
If you’re reading this, I am probably dead. Probably. Hopefully. I have prepared everything in advance, so all my passwords, all of my accounts are all here if any of you would ever want to take a look at it.
I guess right now it just looks like I just left for quite literally no reason, but honestly? There are so many that I can count. I can’t get up anymore, and honestly right now I feel like disappearing because hopefully the world will be a little bit brighter without me in it. I feel so angry, and lost. I feel like I could be doing so much more but I don’t know how to go about it. I am so alone. And it’s hard to talk to people. It’s so hard to be nice and to keep friends. I feel like all I've ever done was destroy the friendships and the connections I made with other people. Or that all I’ve ever done was continuously be mean, arrogant, selfish. I make my sisters miserable. I don’t know how to be there for them when I have basically disappeared the last ten years of our lives and I left them to fend for themselves. I locked myself away simply because I genuinely did not want to be alive anymore.
I’m at that point in my life where I feel like I’m not doing anything right, with the direction that I am going and how people interact with me. I don’t have friends at school. I am always alone, and when I try to talk to others I feel as though I’m not really trying enough because why don’t I have friends anymore? I am alone, all of the time. I’m not good at what I do anymore either. In fact, I hate music. I hate going to school for music, I hate getting up in the morning to play music. It’s just a reminder of any other failure in my life. I am so unbelievably burnt out from it all, and I thought that I would just get over it like a bad rash. I can’t. And it’s getting harder to find the motivation to do anything anymore. I find that it’s just easy to find the solution and to say that you are going to do it. But when you actually get there, it honestly feels like hell. I have absolutely nothing to work hard for. Everything is a massive mistake and I wish that I wasn’t here to live through it.
I don’t want to feel worthless anymore, and I definitely don’t want to feel like the most horrible person in the world. I don’t know how to get up and fix everything. When I ask for help I feel like I’m the worst person alive to ever even try to explain myself and my thoughts. Even now, as I type this, I feel as though my thoughts are jumbled and erratic. It’s almost like I will never reach the point that I want to make because I feel like I have so much to say and yet nothing at all. Nothing will ever be able to summarize the feelings of discomfort that I feel in my own body everyday.
I didnt go to any appointments for my doctors to improve my health because I know that I am going soon.
There are so many things that I haven’t even spoken of, and honestly, if this is my last letter to the world, I might as well just say it all now.
----
obviously i'm not going to put everything in here. i cut some parts out because they're obviously too personal but whatever
i dont deserve what i have. people who get good things are supposed to be grateful
and i'm tired.
i wish that i could have done better.
and i dont like talking about the future. so, 20 year old me, i hope you ended up going to toronto in February with her. you don't deserve any of it but i hope that you managed to do something for someone.
i know that she noticed that i didnt talk about toronto anymore. i know her. i just wanted to help her and not make her worry, so i started talking about it more.
20 year old me—here is the last sliver of my hope. i hope that you are alive and well. i hope people help you in the way that you need. i hope you tell them how they can help you. i hope you tell them that sometimes all you need is a hug and forgiveness from the people you thought you wronged.
be strong. be well.
stay alive. i hope that one day we can read a letter from our 40 year old selves.
love,19 year old you
p.s save your money you ******* idiot
p.p.s you have a 3rd year anniversary coming up you dingus
hello, this is super late so i hope that you can forgive me. i had just read our letter from when we were 18 and that was pretty heartfelt and hopeful to say the least.
19 isnt as cracked up as i thought it would be. and it's been hard to find the motivation for anything anymore
and honestly i don't feel as hopeful as before. and i'm tired. so i hope, 20 year old me, that you are doing even just a smidgen better than what i am now. hopefully. maybe
it's hard being at home. it's hard to find the purpose in my life because honestly as pathetic as it sounds, maybe i really did peak in high school
writiing this letter, i'm kind of speechless because i quite literally have not much to write about anymore.
i had written a few though, probably because i'm convinced that i'm not going to be around much longer. whatever fortune people read about me, any misgivings or any horrible thing that they predicted would happen in the future would most likely happen. and i'm honestly not surprised because i dont know.
i know i should be grateful to be alive, to have a family and to have a roof over my head. a loving girlfriend and friends who tell me they miss me. teachers telling me that i am an exceptional musician. why isn't it enough? why cant i just be grateful?
what's wrong with me that i dont appreciate what i have?
i pray sometimes, maybe someone out there is listening to my prayers but all i get is silence. i guess im not as much of a devout catholic as my grandma hopes for me to be lol
so, 20 year old me. i hope that you find your way out of this rut that i got us into. i feel so stuck. i want to die.
i guess thats not really a wise way to go, is it?
back to the letters thing—i was fully prepared to go. i was ready. so i wrote a 5000 word letter saying good bye. how ****** up is that? here, ill give you a little snippet. maybe you can use it as a reminder that you are strong, and that you can get through anything by reminding yourself where you were at before things got better.
here it goes:
If you’re reading this, I am probably dead. Probably. Hopefully. I have prepared everything in advance, so all my passwords, all of my accounts are all here if any of you would ever want to take a look at it.
I guess right now it just looks like I just left for quite literally no reason, but honestly? There are so many that I can count. I can’t get up anymore, and honestly right now I feel like disappearing because hopefully the world will be a little bit brighter without me in it. I feel so angry, and lost. I feel like I could be doing so much more but I don’t know how to go about it. I am so alone. And it’s hard to talk to people. It’s so hard to be nice and to keep friends. I feel like all I've ever done was destroy the friendships and the connections I made with other people. Or that all I’ve ever done was continuously be mean, arrogant, selfish. I make my sisters miserable. I don’t know how to be there for them when I have basically disappeared the last ten years of our lives and I left them to fend for themselves. I locked myself away simply because I genuinely did not want to be alive anymore.
I’m at that point in my life where I feel like I’m not doing anything right, with the direction that I am going and how people interact with me. I don’t have friends at school. I am always alone, and when I try to talk to others I feel as though I’m not really trying enough because why don’t I have friends anymore? I am alone, all of the time. I’m not good at what I do anymore either. In fact, I hate music. I hate going to school for music, I hate getting up in the morning to play music. It’s just a reminder of any other failure in my life. I am so unbelievably burnt out from it all, and I thought that I would just get over it like a bad rash. I can’t. And it’s getting harder to find the motivation to do anything anymore. I find that it’s just easy to find the solution and to say that you are going to do it. But when you actually get there, it honestly feels like hell. I have absolutely nothing to work hard for. Everything is a massive mistake and I wish that I wasn’t here to live through it.
I don’t want to feel worthless anymore, and I definitely don’t want to feel like the most horrible person in the world. I don’t know how to get up and fix everything. When I ask for help I feel like I’m the worst person alive to ever even try to explain myself and my thoughts. Even now, as I type this, I feel as though my thoughts are jumbled and erratic. It’s almost like I will never reach the point that I want to make because I feel like I have so much to say and yet nothing at all. Nothing will ever be able to summarize the feelings of discomfort that I feel in my own body everyday.
I didnt go to any appointments for my doctors to improve my health because I know that I am going soon.
There are so many things that I haven’t even spoken of, and honestly, if this is my last letter to the world, I might as well just say it all now.
----
obviously i'm not going to put everything in here. i cut some parts out because they're obviously too personal but whatever
i dont deserve what i have. people who get good things are supposed to be grateful
and i'm tired.
i wish that i could have done better.
and i dont like talking about the future. so, 20 year old me, i hope you ended up going to toronto in February with her. you don't deserve any of it but i hope that you managed to do something for someone.
i know that she noticed that i didnt talk about toronto anymore. i know her. i just wanted to help her and not make her worry, so i started talking about it more.
20 year old me—here is the last sliver of my hope. i hope that you are alive and well. i hope people help you in the way that you need. i hope you tell them how they can help you. i hope you tell them that sometimes all you need is a hug and forgiveness from the people you thought you wronged.
be strong. be well.
stay alive. i hope that one day we can read a letter from our 40 year old selves.
love,19 year old you
p.s save your money you ******* idiot
p.p.s you have a 3rd year anniversary coming up you dingus
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