A letter from October 13th, 2025

hi olla
i wish i had some sort of major allergy like being allergic to peanuts. it would be sm easier to **** myself. i tried eating 2 apples, i really do love apples but they make throat itchy and my lips swell. anyway im hoping i die from eating them, but idk i probably wont. i had some falafel too. i should brush my teeth but i really dont feel like it. its so hard to be alive. im not depressed but i'd really rather be dead. in a way being alive is my hell. i feel so lonely. everytime there has ever been some sort of shot that love was possible for me i get disappointed. im talking about romantic love primarily. its so disappointing. im always so close and then im not. im not even the object of desire its always somehow a mistake. ive been thinking abt that whole alex situation and it really does hurt. my emotions were too numb at the time but looking back it was so painful. i remember being so so so excited for someone to actually like me romantically. i had so many doubts, i was wondering if he was using me to get to someone else. i remember being so **** excited. it was like i had received some sort of gift. and then, when I thought luck was on my sidee, it was all some mistake. that ****** me, it really did. im such a bitter person. i see people in love and i think oh if they found love i certainly can. but i haven't. its like im invisible. has anyone actually thought about me? not someone i know directly but just someone else. has anyone had a crush on me? i reallt wish someone did. i'd take anyone, i really would. i just want to know that someone can want me romantically. I really am so tired of it all