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hey girl
so I wrote this long, super emotional, heart wrenching letter like 30 minutes ago and then this stupid app ****** it up and it didn’t get sent and I'm actually really mad but whatever ig. let's run this again!
Hey :)
this is past you (you that's 1 week away from her first exam on exchange in Amster***)
yk in the last letter, after my intro, I said I was stressed. Maybe it was fate that the letter didn't send cause I thought about it and I'm not stressed, well I am but mostly I'm tired. I'm tired, I'm frustrated and honestly I'm a little mad. Remember when we were younger and the plan was always just get out of our house, live alone, be a lawyer and then we would be happy. So I've achieved 2/4 of that, we're almost at 3/4 in like 6 months when we graduate but **** I'm not happy at all. I'm confused, I'm stressed, I feel like I'm navigating a different body than the one I've known for 22 years but honestly I'm really not happy. I just don't know why, I don't know why I feel so unfulfilled, I don't want everything feels so difficult, I don't know why I feel like I'm constantly trying to navigate a pool of jello or walking through a cave and I don't see an exit anytime soon.
I think I started feeling recently. that sounds insane but you understand what I mean. I remember when we were younger and I constantly felt like I was a higher being watching down and seeing my little avatar go through life. It was like a blur, nothing really truly impacted me like that and god i didn't realize until now just how good it was. I miss it a lot. I miss being so emotionally and physically detached from my body and my emotions. I truly truly, I miss it a lot. It was cold and it was clinical but it was also comforting and warm. It was nice to know that nothing would ever destroy me from the inside out. I miss it but I know I have to let it go.
I know growth is hard, I know healing is one of the most difficult process. I think I just didn't realize until now just how much grieving comes along with it. I grieve the person I used to be, I grieve the person I wish I was, I grieve the person I'm turning into and constantly almost every second of the day, I grieve that I have to endure this. I grieve my childhood, I grieve my lack of a childhood in many ways, I grieve how fast I had to grow up, I grieve what could have been. I'm always grieving. Maybe that's why this is so difficult. Before the grief was one that never impacted me as hard because if there's one thing I'm good at, it's repression and emotional detachment but now I feel it every ******* day. it's like a dull ache that never fades away, it's always there - just a constant presence and it occupies my mind like smog. Everything about me lately is tainted in grief and i can't escape it. Quite frankly, it's pissing me off.
I thought healing was supposed to help u feel better, I though healing made life brighter? But all I feel lately is just depressed, grief and anger. At the same time, I know I can't go back.
I think I have my first real crush, yk who I'm talking about (A*ad - said derogatory). Maybe it's a sign that I feel like this for the first time, maybe it shows emotional growth. It's nice honestly, it's nice to feel so light, it's nice to have something in my brain that doesn't seem to want to drag me down. But at the same time, **** I want it gone so bad. I hate feeling so helpless, I hate feeling so weakened by another person. I hate feeling. I don't like it.
Anyway, I should try to get some sleep. I hope this finds u in a good place. I hope this finds you in a place where the grieving has subsided a bit and you feel more comfortable to just be. Be you, be happy, be hopeful, be joyful, be loud, be quiet, be sad, be weak, be strong, be vulnerable, be emotional, be in love, be in hate, just be <3
at the same time, I know I'm not sending this too far in advance so it's okay if you're not there yet! it's okay if you stumbled, it's okay if you fell back into our old self and repressed, as long as u keep trying to move forward. I hope you're a testament to my strength and resolve to move forward from tonight on in full force and embrace myself and this journey.
(learning to) love you, Past you (October 14, 2025)
<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
so I wrote this long, super emotional, heart wrenching letter like 30 minutes ago and then this stupid app ****** it up and it didn’t get sent and I'm actually really mad but whatever ig. let's run this again!
Hey :)
this is past you (you that's 1 week away from her first exam on exchange in Amster***)
yk in the last letter, after my intro, I said I was stressed. Maybe it was fate that the letter didn't send cause I thought about it and I'm not stressed, well I am but mostly I'm tired. I'm tired, I'm frustrated and honestly I'm a little mad. Remember when we were younger and the plan was always just get out of our house, live alone, be a lawyer and then we would be happy. So I've achieved 2/4 of that, we're almost at 3/4 in like 6 months when we graduate but **** I'm not happy at all. I'm confused, I'm stressed, I feel like I'm navigating a different body than the one I've known for 22 years but honestly I'm really not happy. I just don't know why, I don't know why I feel so unfulfilled, I don't want everything feels so difficult, I don't know why I feel like I'm constantly trying to navigate a pool of jello or walking through a cave and I don't see an exit anytime soon.
I think I started feeling recently. that sounds insane but you understand what I mean. I remember when we were younger and I constantly felt like I was a higher being watching down and seeing my little avatar go through life. It was like a blur, nothing really truly impacted me like that and god i didn't realize until now just how good it was. I miss it a lot. I miss being so emotionally and physically detached from my body and my emotions. I truly truly, I miss it a lot. It was cold and it was clinical but it was also comforting and warm. It was nice to know that nothing would ever destroy me from the inside out. I miss it but I know I have to let it go.
I know growth is hard, I know healing is one of the most difficult process. I think I just didn't realize until now just how much grieving comes along with it. I grieve the person I used to be, I grieve the person I wish I was, I grieve the person I'm turning into and constantly almost every second of the day, I grieve that I have to endure this. I grieve my childhood, I grieve my lack of a childhood in many ways, I grieve how fast I had to grow up, I grieve what could have been. I'm always grieving. Maybe that's why this is so difficult. Before the grief was one that never impacted me as hard because if there's one thing I'm good at, it's repression and emotional detachment but now I feel it every ******* day. it's like a dull ache that never fades away, it's always there - just a constant presence and it occupies my mind like smog. Everything about me lately is tainted in grief and i can't escape it. Quite frankly, it's pissing me off.
I thought healing was supposed to help u feel better, I though healing made life brighter? But all I feel lately is just depressed, grief and anger. At the same time, I know I can't go back.
I think I have my first real crush, yk who I'm talking about (A*ad - said derogatory). Maybe it's a sign that I feel like this for the first time, maybe it shows emotional growth. It's nice honestly, it's nice to feel so light, it's nice to have something in my brain that doesn't seem to want to drag me down. But at the same time, **** I want it gone so bad. I hate feeling so helpless, I hate feeling so weakened by another person. I hate feeling. I don't like it.
Anyway, I should try to get some sleep. I hope this finds u in a good place. I hope this finds you in a place where the grieving has subsided a bit and you feel more comfortable to just be. Be you, be happy, be hopeful, be joyful, be loud, be quiet, be sad, be weak, be strong, be vulnerable, be emotional, be in love, be in hate, just be <3
at the same time, I know I'm not sending this too far in advance so it's okay if you're not there yet! it's okay if you stumbled, it's okay if you fell back into our old self and repressed, as long as u keep trying to move forward. I hope you're a testament to my strength and resolve to move forward from tonight on in full force and embrace myself and this journey.
(learning to) love you, Past you (October 14, 2025)
<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
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