A letter from Oct 13, 2025

Dear China, Ange, Suzy, at kung ano pa man ang tawag ng iba sayo, October 2026 me, I really hope that we are in a much better place right now, sa lahat ng aspeto ng buhay. As you know, hindi ako masyadong okay ngayon kaya siguro rin nag resort na ako sa'yo, future me, to vent out and just really really hope for a better tomorrow atleast. It's 3AM right now and for the past few weeks, hindi ako masyadong makatulog without thinking that I am not good enough, as a partner, as a person trying to navigate work, and just really, not good enough overall. Na lay off ako sa work last month for things that we both know pero seriously, nakaka putangina lang din. It's hard to be treated this way, na parang ang dali dali akong itapon ng mga tao, na I am worth investing, or even just be given a chance to prove myself worthy. Alam ko namang that perspective should start from me, na alam ko dapat kung ano yung kaya kong ibigay, kung ano yung worth ko. Wala, ang hirap eh. Di pa nakadagdag na papalapit nanaman yung "araw" na 'yon. This year, parag ang bigat niya. Ngayon ko rin talaga narealize na healing from it won't be a linear one, that I have to face it courageously. Siguro nagpapatong patong lang din talaga ngayon knowing na pakiram*** ko, lost din ako sa relationship kay Danie. Nasabi ko naman na sakanya yung nararamdaman ko, na hindi ako ok and lately, hindi ko na rin maramdaman yung presence niya sa relasyon namin. Same problem, trabaho niya. Alam ko trabaho niya yon pero ayun din naisip ko, am I really not trying hard for my work? Am I being punished now because I tried to balance it all? Kailangan ba, lunurin ko rin yung sarili ko sa trabaho just like her? Alam ko sa sarili kong ayaw kong umabot ako sa ganon pero when life beats me down like this, naqquestion ko talaga lahat ng decisions ko lately. Ang wish ko lang ngayon eh sana makahanap na ako ulit ng trabaho. Literally, I need to find a new job na kayang mag sustain ng mga bayarin ko. Wala eh, andito na tayo. I just hope na by this time next year, atleast nabawas bawasan na yung liabilities ko. I will claim na nasa better position na ako ngayong massend 'to, financially, physically, emotionally, and mentally. Once na mabasa mo 'to, know that October 2025 me is really trying hard to make it to another day, and seeing the good in things. Lahat naman 'to may reason, and I believe in me, in us! Kaya natin 'to. Kung ano man yung kinakaharap mo at this moment na binabasa mo 'to, dadaan din yan. Mapagdadaanan. Proud ako sa'tin. Let's go! Best, Suzy (not your best version right now haha!)