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Dear FutureMe, There are times when we don't feel important. When we fear we are not worthy of the time or resources others put into us. When we believe, deep within ourselves, that we are simple not (good) enough. It is worth knowing that that is a stress response. It was conditioned into us when we were small and precious and did not have the tools or the language or the brute strength to reject it. It is worth knowing we are still precious. And as long as we still breathe, we can still fight for that child. We can reject those beliefs. We can recognise that those fears exist in a socially constructed reality we don't have to accept. Yesterday I had a conversation with Sarah about pride, self-belief, and acknowledging our strengths and successes. The notion that tall-poppy syndrome is a thing of the past in Aotearoa is laughable. Of course we've improved since my childhood in the 90s, but that doesn't mean we're comfortable with being proud of ourselves now. For the first time, I actively considered the concept that not being aware of how beautiful/talented/good one is somehow makes a person even more beautiful/talented/good. That pop song goes, "You don't know you're beautiful/But that's what makes you beautiful." A friend might describe someone as "hot, but he KNOWS he's hot." I think about all the little fantasy lives I've lived in my imagination, and always, I create characters to surround me who are impressed by me, and imaginary-me is like, "oh, this little thang?" because that's the only way I can imagine it being acceptable to acknowledge the kinds of things I want to be appreciated for. Obviously it's not a uniquely Kiwi thing, and obviously some people internalise it more deeply than others. I've realised it's very deeply embedded in me. But acknowledging that has already, in less than 24 hours, enabled me to accept that it's okay to consider myself brave, and intelligent, and resourceful. Two days ago, if I'd said or written those things, I'd have couched them in self-deprecation or tried to destroy the evidence. "No-one can know I think I'm a pretty decent person!" my brain would say. Why is it virtuous to hate ourselves? Actually, **** the whole concept of virtue. I've just finished the nervous system course. Remember, everyone will react to a stressor differently. Our go-to is self-criticism. And we are a ****** harsh ****. You know the things we've said to ourself. You know the things we believe to be true about ourself. This evening, I realised I've never apologised to us for all those cruel things we've said. And we deserve an apology. A lot of apologies. Let me start. I'm sorry. I should never have said that. No-one should ever have to hear that. I'm so ******* sorry. I have hurt you/us/me in ways that have rippled out over the years and caused immense pain, to us and to others. I'm sorry. I will be better. I will be more aware of what I'm doing. I will try not to let us hurt ourself anymore. I forgive us. I know we were acting out of shame, hurt, fear. I am grateful we can acknowledge that and respect our attempts to make things right. I believe we will be better, and I expect better for us and from us. I am grateful to us. Little hippocampus doing her little hippo librarian thing, filing away strategies that work and pulling them out at a moment's notice to keep us safe from danger. She's doing her best in overwhelming circumstances. Thanks, little hippo. It's hard to say this, but thank you for the cruelty. It wasn't the right choice, but thank you for trying. Thank you for offering something you thought would help. (Look back at your NS resources and maybe watch that IFS video again if this part is bewildering). Dear FutureMe (who is also past me and current me), you're a ******* hero. You're so cool, and impressive, and brave! I genuinely like you, and don't hate spending time with you - and you know how hard I find it to be around people for long periods of time. I'm not sick of you yet, sweetheart.