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Dear Iqura( If I may), It's 23:45 on a Monday night and its raining torrentially outside, first day of Durga pooja, so its an indication that the goddess is amongst us now and we should start being kinder and happier. Six months after getting out of his life I started feeling lighter and happier , six month after getting placed ( not receiving the offer letter though) , six month after learning MERN stack , and numerous six months later I have this tingling feeling in my heart all the time from every waking moment that I have a life I don't see myself living , from where I begun this is far from where I wanted to be . Waking up 1 in the afternoon to my mothers dismissal ( she is right for bickering with me because she sees potential and also sees it getting wasted, I know that too maybe which is why I sleep such long hours because that's the only time the world doesn't exist for me.) spending evening and nights in front of my computer where each day I install all kinds of courses and programs to enrol myself into but keep switching the tab off and focusing on reading a book instead or studying some legislature cases maybe even just scroll through pictures of him thinking back to college days imagining myself in the could-have-been scenarios and the ones which turned out really nice I'd replay them at night and when the clock would strike 00:00 I'd pray to be send back in time. You know Iqura off late I have this feeling that I am not suppose to be here living this life , there is a theory "Quantum Branching Theory of Infinite Realities" which says ,In the endless weave of quantum threads, every choice we make, and every choice we leave behind, spins out a new universe—a reflection of what could be. There are infinite versions of us, living the decisions we never made, in worlds where every possibility unfolds, I should be in any of those universes living the decisions not taken in the universe I am at. I am stuck in this Dragon fly net and the only sound I hear are the echo of the past ,even when I was living the life I keep thinking back to I knew in future I would miss it but that didn't stop me from making hurtful choices or preventing myself from being let down , remember how you couldn't begin you day without coffee and when you had to end it with it those would be the worst of times , that is what I feel when I regret a thing. As if I pulled myself out of dark and into the world and the minute I step out I meet everyone I ever met. These days I am not holding on to hope of starting a job but when I am suddenly remined of it I also remember what it felt like loving someone in their love language but I am also not letting myself work to succeed or fail. You know growing up we had these popular candies called POPPINS it had numerous flavours million times better than those labubu dolls ( can't eat them, won't wear them ) and the best were strawberries but I'd barely get one and rest would mostly be orange or mango I guess everyone liked strawberries but on days when I'd get two of them I felt so lucky like I got something of my choice and the race was won. But I can't go back to those times nor can I go back to days when I liked kindness , oh Iqura you laboured to teach me to accept kindness and I have forgotten it completely. I have urges to die when I see an act of kindness and I sure would have died had I not visited the hospital and you know what the doctor said ' if you want to live , let other do something for you.' PITS! UNBELIVEABLE ( Oscar style). I think when we are reborn we carry the memory of love , like residue, but when meet them we make connections with them again and some of them are so intense they feel like love. Iqura I feel you are the love I carried from my past two lives one where I was your mother and another where I was unrequitedly in love with you and in this life as friends but as people relationships pass away too and so has ours and I am mourning you for the past 10 years or maybe since the day I met you. I hope when I read this years from now I feel silly , I even then would want to pause time and come meet this version of myself and tell her that like is bigger than a house, a city, a person , a festival or a love long lost. But the most I want me to come tell me is that I still love myself and I love you too, I want my ambition to hold up well and look in the face of every challenge I want to go back to my life but right now I am indifferent to what I have become. Most of all I just don't want YOU to give your number to people who don't call because it will torture you. I hope you understand the responsibly of other's feeling better in future Iqura when you don't ( or can't) love them back, you aren't obliged to love them , but you are responsible for not using their feelings to get loyalty and favours without giving anything back, let that someone exist in your photo gallery and call logs like an old street you don't visit anymore. Love, xxxx p.s I wrote to you with "More than words" playing on loop.