no subject

Dear FutureMe, I don't know what would have been changed cause if I have learned something this year is that nothing is permanent not your age not your personality not people who you think you're most close with everything changes for the better or for the worst, I no matter what still feel an emptiness within me and it's hard to fill that hole when living with people who created it I've survived that long but being this self aware I don't think I can take it anymore , all I wanted from my family was love and support they couldn't provide the love nor the support I wanted for one day my birthday to be seen yo be loved to feel special for one unique single 24hours yet they refused to give me even that saying it's prohibited to celebrate birthdays I wanted to feel appreciated to be celebrated for one day and my lovely mother couldn't do that for me she only wants and wants and never give she would call me selfish if I confronted her cause she carried me for 9 months and then had to be stuck with me for now 21 years old yeah ? I think my family love each other just in a toxic way with no communication no physical contact and no words of affirmation not even saying love you and I wonder sometimes what kind of love is this I mean they would **** for each other but also would **** each other , I don't if someone hurt by his own family could be healed yet I'm trying here and there everyday I'll try and make a better thing for myself to create my own family to raise loving children that would love and support each other in every step that would hear " I love you " everyday from there mother and father without feeling awkward or embarrassed cause love isn't awkward nor shameful I just grew up in household where it is considered as such , my husband will love our children and would kiss and hug them in every chance he gets my children would not be afraid of their father's temper and would not tip toe around his filthy mood to not get beaten or yelled at for the smallest mistakes and I would love them and be so proud of them they wouldn't care to search for love withing other people , one year older one year wiser yet I was this emotionally mature since the beginning just to understand why , why my family was absurd And for last let me tell you you're beautiful you're smart intellectual and intelligent, well spoken and well put lady , you're loved you're seen you're shining and brightening every room you walk into your eyes are pretty your smile is mesmerizing and your heart is pure they succeed a bit to get it dirty but you'll be fine as long as you stay put together positive and discipline I'm very proud of how far I've become and no matter what my chin will be up all the way up or down .happy birthday