I’m a loser

Dear FutureMe, I have finally hit the lowest point in my life, 2 years ago i moved a completely different countries, high hopes, it was an absolute dream come true, i remember i used to tell myself that if i can make that happen then i can make anything else happen in this life. I got here and got a decent job at least for a newcomer, i really enjoyed what i was doing regardless of the environment or the low wages, I somehow made it work and i was able to make it work for long. When this year started, i had finally started saving up money on the side, i was also supporting my mom and my siblings back home, you grow up, more goals more dreams and things started not working, i needed another income because managing all that in a minimum wage with the cost of living in Ontario is not easy, but i have seen so many examples of people who quit their jobs thinking they are gonna achieve more just to end up going backwards so i needed to be careful and truly i was scared because i know that i do not have a support system so if i make one mistake it is going to cost me everything that i have been working for. I just couldn’t find the courage and i couldn’t find another job in the city that i was in. I felt like a coward thinking that maybe that the only step i need to take to see what’s on the other side, it took me 8 months to finally have that courage even though i was still scared to do it. Last month i quit my job, i have some savings i paid rent in the other city and i had half of the savings left, i finally moved but a week before moving i landed a decent job but i was really happy i felt so proud of myself to have been able to get that job, it felt like a sign that i was doing the right thing. I moved to a new city, started the new job and everything was going well but i kid you not i was fired four days after i started the job, as i was taking the next bus i saw an email that it was not working, my whole world fell apart, i was really shocked because i did not know why or how that happened, and now it has been a week, i have applied to 172 jobs, sent so many emails, called so many receptionists, printed so many resumes and i am tired now, i do not have anything left in me, i am thinking if i should pack my bags and go back home to my mother and finally understand and accept that i am a loser or if i should just continue crying in this basement, it feels really scary, i clearly shouldn’t have left my job, i shouldn’t have wanted to be the bigger person but here i am crying with all my aspirations and goals and i do not know what to do with them anymore and i am finally in the big city like i have always wanted and i feel like i am being eaten alive. i am tired