no subject

Dear FutureMe, 26 years old is a strange age as I roll it in my head, finally into your late 20s.. That just seems bizarre. Although I suppose 25 is already technically the start of your "late 20s". But where are my manners man. Happy birthday! I really hope 25 was great. It has a good ring to it, and you know we both like things with a good ring to them. I just finished the chocolate course yesterday, was quite the journey hey. Clocked it at 4 Years, 5 Months & 20 Days from start to finish. I'm honestly a bit anxious that something still needs doing.. but its over and I'm honestly quite proud! Even got a print of the cookbook to commemorate. Watching my 20 year old self for the past few months while editing the course has made me reflect a bit on the last few years. All the things that would come after those videos were recorded - life was never the same after. The sailling, the yachts, travelling, Nerona, Limpopo, life science, fire academy and now finally operations. Who knew that would be the end of an era. An era at home. I'm certain that I hoped it would be.. and I'll likely never exceed those expecatations as much as I did then. This last year has been a year of growth. More precisely a personal growth rollercoster punctuated by some steep downward spirals but now on a slow but steady climb. They weren't lying about that pre-frontal cortex development stuff. I've just been.. thinking more the closer I got to 25. About my mistakes. Mistakes avoided. Just being super intentional about what I want. I'm not perfect, you know the thoughts we have.. but its an giant leap compared to the past. To the point where I'd tentatively say that I have a decent sense of judgement. I suppose you'll be able to confirm or deny that. Whats helped a lot is therapy, I stopped around December and went back after the whole Nerona/Nicole fiasco. Man that really made realise that I did not have my **** together. Just absolutely crashing and burning into an avoidable situation that I could have stopped and realised before things got as absolutely bad as they could. This new round of therapy has been really fantastic though, hope this year is good for us too. On top of therapy, whats really helped is this dating hiatus. Just getting off this girl crazy/dopamine chasing train has been so healthy. Given me so much time to just focus on myself, my projects & most importantly to not make decisions that will hurt people. I feel like me - and for the first time I'm not sad at being alone. I have self worth now.. which is so crazy. I'm finally happy with who I am. I respect myself without needing outside romantic validation. Which is insane insane insane. I do sometimes miss dating, I genuinely miss the non-addictive dopamine manipulating parts of it but that comes up too of course from time to time. Being held. Feeling those butterflies. Then I also remember how nice it is to just be by myself. Have all my time. More time to invest in my friends even. Thats been great. I haven't dated for over 3 months now, I suppose the original "goal" was 1 year. Maybe I'll still do that but we'll see. It genuinely doesn't feel like the point of doing this is to reach an arbitrary date. Just what feels right. Even with that whole thing with Forgiv, allthough it was tough especially on her. I can honestly say that I'm proud and happy with the way that I handled it. Just really thought about it and pictured how it would turn out in the long term. When I start dating again I'm going to go into it with the exact same mentality, with intention. Because thats the best way for us to live our lives and to not hurt others like we did. Speaking of hurting others.. Nerona hasn't messaged today and I don't think and don't hope she will. Obviously a small part thinks the opposite of that but it just isn't good for either of us. I don't want to be in a relationship with her and neither does she. I hope she's okay though, like I always do. This is hopefully the last year you receive a message about Nerona. P.S. Got some leather stuff, make anything cool?