no subject

Dear FutureMe, I am watching Better Late than Single on Netflix, and squealing over 10 individuals in their late 20s, who have never been in a relationship. Meanwhile I need to remind myself that I am 35 years old and have never been in a relationship. It also hit me that I have not been chosen or desired, or at least being told I'm chosen or desired (even as a lousy flirting tactic). I cannot deny this anymore. I hope to have someone around. It's easy to act cool and be the girl boss and tell the inquisitive 'well wishers' that it's much more liberating to be alone. But really, sometimes it's more liberating to know there is someone who catches me when I cannot hold myself up anymore, it's more liberating to honestly acknowledge that I am already enough and I don't need to push myself to be better...when I no longer have an idea what 'better' means. Frankly speaking, I am not positive anything changed for you by the time you read this. But I just want you to remember this night when you acknowledged that little desire that you thought would go away by ignoring it and telling yourself 'I'm better off alone and not be a burden to another person with my (whatever shortcoming)'. This is public and anonymous, I hope someone from the world wide web calls me out from whatever this is. Eldest daughter syndrome, ISTJ, girl boss, Asian, whatever this train of thought is. Or maybe this is just PMS.