It's been a while

Hello there FutureMe, (Stay with me here, I have a lot of background info in the beginning because it leads up to something) I hope you're well. Its been a while. I'm sorry for that, I feel like I've been so busy and haven't really been able to sit down and write this letter to you but here I am writing this letter to you now. I'm not even sure where to start to be completely honest with you right now. Lets start off with the beginning of the year. I ended things with Cameron and ended up blocking him in March. After all of that, I thought I was okay and was healing very nicely for a while but then I kept trying to find something to fill that void of thinking I might've found my person but losing them. In reality he wasn't my person and he was never meant to be permanent. I will say that he did teach me that I was continuing to perpetuate a cycle and that was my last straw so I ended all communication with him. I thought I was going to stay alone for a while but I kept seeking attention from all these different men (nothing ******, just company). In turn, I met a lot of people who were lessons from the Lord, such as Artie Pop and Evan. Artie Pop was someone who really wanted to push for something that I didn't and because of that, it was kinda weird how it ended. Evan on the other hand, made me feel kinda sad. He was the perfect guy; smart, had a stable job, had a nice truck, could do the things a manly man can do, could protect me, was looking for something serious, seemed very honest and open, was cute and seemed to actually care but in his profile, I had seen he had an iPhone in all of them but his chat bubbles were green. When I had asked him about it, I'd gotten no response. It was really kinda sad for me and even though we had only spoken for a short period of time, I had felt like something would've bloomed from that but I guess we will never know. I asked the Lord to remove him from my life if he wasn't meant for me and obviously he wasn't meant for me. That was my little vent about that but that's not the important part. The important part was that it triggered me to think about about my life, like really think about it. Turns out, I was actually doing all these things because I was really lacking a presence of the Lord in my life. I had always known in the back of my head that I was starting to lose His voice in my life and all of the prayer and praise seemed to just be me going through the motions. I wasn't praying in the morning like I usually did, I was getting distracted while doing the rosary at night and I'd felt like I was not doing things with my whole heart. I felt like I wasn't being intentional about it. Finally realizing that made me understand that I needed to recenter my life for Christ to be right in the middle of it. I needed to continue being intentional and not feel shameful of my sins as well as straying from the sins I continued to intentionally commit. I kept falling into a pattern of lust and struggling with thinking lust was love/comfort. Lust is such a strong beast and I can confidently say that if I have defeated it once, I can do it again. for a while before I finally had my revelation, I was starting to lose interest in my books because it didn't truly capture the intensity and level of love/intimacy with my one true person. With all of that happening, I know that the Lord is protecting my heart from heartbreak I can't handle. I love too intensely and I fall too hard and fast for me to just have casual relationships. I know that the Lord has my one true person out there and it sucks that I can't experience the love I am truly wanting, but I know it will all be worth it in the end. All of the tears, heartbreak, failed talking stages, first dates and times of coming up short. I want you to hear this part very clearly. YOU ARE ENOUGH. YOUR LOVE IS NOT TOO MUCH FOR THE RIGHT PERSON FOR YOU. PEOPLE WHO LEAVE WERE NEVER CAPABLE OF CARRYING THE WEIGHT OF YOUR LOVE. THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU WERE TOO MUCH, IT JUST MEANS THEY WEREN'T ENOUGH. As much as I'd like to say we'll find "the one" soon, I know that will not happen but I will say that we are currently working on repairing our relationship with the Lord and finding our way back to Him. At this time, we am not even worried about finding a man anymore because it always leaves me so drained after the fact. We are staying in our own lane and giving all of our fears, doubts and worries to the Lord. And when the time is right, we WILL have a Christ-centered relationship with the man who'll surpass all of our dreams, expectations and fantasies. So I leave you with this message; "Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart" -Psalm 37:4 Until next time