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Dear FutureMe, Here we are again. Another year that i have survived against all odds. Bedbound for 2 years now. More stubborn and wiser than ever. Happy birthday dear myself. You're a tough nut, you continue to do what no other would person would have done in your shoes, for good and bad. I can't think of anybody who works as hard with as little resources and support system as you have, no family and few friends. Yet sees so many results as well. It's crazy how resourceful you are. Anyhow, here I am writing a letter to myself once again, with quite a gap since the last time. I'm in Berlin for treatment this year and I have had some insane ups and downs lately. But it's been worth the risks I have taken to get to where I am now. I knew in my soul that I needed to go before I'd maybe lose my chance forever. I'm grateful for having the finances to make this costly trip happen. It's been great living in a city again, with all the great food and opportunities, especially for treatment. I hope it will be fruitful and worth it. Yet I feel very tired and traumatized by all the challenges and obstacles I constantly face. And as always, I feel alone in my endevours. I do however know that this is the way. I'm thankful for not settling for less. My chronic illness and suffering makes it impossble to find someone. By now, I know the arena I would have to visit in order to perhaps find someone one day (sangha) and as of now it's not accessible for me. Anyhow, I have been contemplating and meditating over how strong you are, how brave, kind, merciful, forgiving, wise, smart, creative you are. And more. You truly are a unique person, and it's at the same time fascinating to see all the trauma and suffering you have been through these past 35 years, perhaps through previous lifetimes. And at the same time honor how tall you walk (drive in your wheelchair), how high you hold your head (metaphorically), and the hard choices you make to try to make the world better for yourself and others. How much you give, despite having so little to give. It's admirable. I especially want to take som time to write about your forgiveness and patience. These are things you struggle with, they don't come naturally, but you have mastered them. It's not always perfect and you do mess up sometimes, but overall, you come back to these through your practice and acknowledge their importance. You haven't been able to practice your faith as much as you would like to, because of your limits from your illness. Despite this, your faith is very strong and in your heart. It's what's guiding your decisions. You're not fully able to live after the five precepts and the eightfold path, but at least you try as much as you can, and youalways lead with kindness and understanding, even to strangers and when faced with greed, hatred and delusion. If it was fully up to you, you would have had more energy to help others as much as you would like, but you have accepted that you always have to put yourself first, in order to survive. This is ok, hopefully in the future, one day, you will be able to live to your full potential and and lead a truly high vibrational karmic life. Your patience and forgiveness will lead you there. You'll continue to live after your principles no matter what, and at some unknown point in the future that will bear fruits, either to you or people around you. I hope the future will be kinder to you than the past. At least you'll always have the present, which is the only thing you can control really. You have succesfully mastered acceptance of your suffering in the present. Congratulations. I wish myself the best of birthdays with meditation, contemplation and lots of loving-kindness to myself.<3