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Hey babygirl, How are you doing today? At the time we penned this, we were crying about Ayo yet again. I never thought liking someone could hurt this much, but alas. This was right after Ibadan HSCM, when we realized how much we still liked him, despite how much we might have wanted to hate or be mad at him. For the most part, it's just hurt that's left and questions. As much as we have tried, the questions remain and still linger. And now with Pastor playing matchmaker and Ayo trying to be friendly, I'm left with even more questions. Like is he trying to come back now he's single again or because of something else? What was it he and Pastor discussed about me? Why did he do what he did to me? Why choose to hurt me the way he did? A part of me thought I'd be happy to know he's single again, but it just makes me hurt even more - like why put me through all of that, for the relationship to not last long? And now with more and more people asking questions about him and us, I don't know how to feel. I'm tired of crying about him, but I can't help it, the tears just seem to keep coming. Maybe I haven't completely forgiven him if I still hurt this much. Through camp meeting I just kept pondering on the whole thing. Like what if I'm still not ready to start over? What if I'm still the problematic girlfriend that argues a lot? What if the period apart didn't change much in me and it's the same issues he still has. What if we fail at us again? Like I said, so so many questions. And it completely hurts to even think this. I know I had said I wouldn't get with anyone based only on emotions anymore, so for sure I do need to pray about it more. But a part of me is scared of the answer I'd receive in the place of prayer. What if it's the same thing on timing? Or another thing? I need for the questions to completely stop. I thought focusing on the fact that I tried as best as I could to walk in obedience to God's leading and instructions would silence the questions - but they continue to creep in and make me cry. I've been asked by different people if I still see us getting back together and as much as I want to confidently say yes, I'm not sure I can. Does this make it seem like I now doubt God? I'm not entirely sure. But the amount of pain we've both caused each other seem plentiful to just get over so easily. And while I do believe that God is one who restores broken things, a small part of me feels it's so much to get over. And the question of if we've both come to a better place of maturity to completely move past things remains. Now I can clearly understand why people say feelings aren't enough to keep a relationship - cause it's clear that there's no lack of love on both our ends. I know I mentioned to both Sis Joy and Min Esther that I didn't notice him watching me during camp, but that was a lie. The little glances and stares were all too obvious to not notice, but like whyyyy? I'd like to know what he's thinking but I can't bring myself to text him first. That's a line I am not willing to cross AT ALL. I kinda don't like the fact that Lagos HSCM is coming up cause that'd mean more days of being in the same space with him and having to battle these thoughts and emotions. But maybe it'd also mean we're able to have a conversation and not those little 'how are you's?' he's been doing. It's almost like he's trying to push for something and be cordial but is kind of scared to do so. Like I said, too many questions. I'm keen to know how we'd be feeling when we get this letter in the future. Do journal on this day and note the key differences. A part of me feels that Ayo and I would be fine by then, but how fine is fine? Imma end with this - "You will both know when the timing is right and there'd be nothing standing in the way of your union. Not your dad, not finances, not even yourselves and your presumed shortcomings."