A letter from August 10th, 2025

I don't see a future for myself and I fully believe my brain is going to win soon. It was my birthday and I cried because today was the day I found out i don't mean **** to people. Nobody cares about the day I was born so I know nobody will give a **** about the day I die and I dare them to act heartbroken wallah I'll go complain to god about them and how fake they are. I've given up on everything. I don't plan to stay here and I don't plan to get any better too. I'll get a car soon and that'll make things much easier. I would take my life but I currently have no idea on how to successfully do it. If I have a car, I could easily crash it or something. Or once I have a car, I can buy pills and overdose on them. My family has no idea what owning a car is going to do to me. My thoughts have turned suicidal last year. before that, I use to never ever think about taking my life. Now it's all that I plan. I get into these moods, where my brain is telling me to go. all it does is plan how to **** us. that's what starving myself was for. it wasn't just so I could lose weight and be skinny, it was so my heart could finally give up. I realized that once I hit 112 and still wasn’t satisfied. I’m not going to be here for long. I wasn’t made to be here for long. I don’t think we’ll get to read this letter again. But if we do, Please don’t stay here for long. I don’t want us to stay. We have no reason to. Please. My biggest fear is living until I’m old. This world sucks and I don’t care about hell too. God will take me to hell because I don’t pray but I only stopped because my brain has no motivation to do anything. Praying for god to save me wasn’t doing anything either. I believe in him and I could never hate him but I stopped caring about going to heaven. I don’t care where I’ll go as long as it’s not here. My brain isn’t normal. I consider my brain equal to a dangerous serial ****** holding me hostage. I’m a victim of my brain and I can never get out of my head. I’ll be gone soon. I’m only getting a car so I can leave easier.  This world isn’t for me. Living isn’t for me. I’ve felt like this since I was a kid. I’m 17 now. What’s the reason? God only made me so I could take my life and he could throw me in hell. It’s quite unfair. He knows I can’t win against my brain and he knows I don’t want to win. I don’t want to win. I don’t want to win and survive. I want to be gone. How can I fight my brain if I don’t want to win? How can I get better if I don’t want to get better? How can I find help if I don’t want help? How do people get help how do they get better? I don’t want any of that. I want to be gone. Life scares me. It also breaks me so bad. I’m sick of being miserable all the time. I’m so alone. I hate that I feel immortal. I need god to take me soon.  please dont keep us for long zainab.