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Dear FutureMe, okay we already reach an age were you should know what you want to do in your life right? Without trying to put anyone down, but you dont want to waste your years right? Im sorry I dont really want put pressure especially now that you‘re 20 years old. Can you believe that? You are officially not a teenager… moreover you are old dude… So for myself, all I want for you is to reach your goals whatever that might be. Maybe you collected so many experiences that your view on life changed? But for now I want: -a safe Studiengang and a general idea what you want to make out of your life. Just do what satisfies yourself. Look, today I wrote my Art exam. How it went? Well I put my expectations very very very high for myself. Nothing is ever good enough, and no time in this world is, my abilities nothing will ever be good enough. Will I live through it? Sigh.. I have to. But I live in constant disappointment. Wtf why do I not own any discipline and structure my time for study sessions? Instead I push myself to the limit with the littlest time given. I dont like how I treat myself, I hate how I am ngl. It‘s not that I dont want to live, I truly do. But living like this is exhausting. But it‘s not a pattern I can easily escape because I dont feel anything afterwards.. regret grows heavily but that‘s it. I dont feel the pressure until it‘s physically and mentally there. I feel like I dont push myself enough even though I expect so much. Just HOW. JUST HOW DO I LIVE LIKE THIS. It‘s sickening and awful. My Abi-Durchschnitt will be 2,4 or 2,5. Please dont be disappointed, you will get your way I am sure, but it‘s somehow a constant reminder that I did my best which is not enough? That I went through my Abi years without tasting my full potential. Sorry that‘s awful to read to that on your birthday. Just want to let you know that you got this and that you are young. Dont procrastinate though, it will ruin your life. That‘s some scary advices I gave you but it‘s a reminder okay? Lastly here are some question I want you to answer me: - How are you doing? What do you want to do? What happened to family and friends? How is your self worth? Did it drop or increased during those years? What‘s your biggest fear (except living to eternity haha)? Are you disappointed in me- the 18 years old after all these years or did you forgive yourself? Keep your head up, I reallyyyyy expect much of you, only to be able to put the burden I carry right now away. I wish you good luck and sorry for the pessimistic outlook and atmosphere. It‘s just that I‘m scared. I support you!! From right here :)) Bigggg hugssss that will cover up for the whole year hihi.