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Dear FutureMe, I hope you're doing well. I really do. I don't know what you are doing right now or how you are doing but I hope you are doing better than I am doing now. I hope you're happy and living the life you feel comfortable with. I hope that whatever is it that you always wished for happened in real life and you are living, not just surviving. I feel like I am just surviving today. Everything has been very difficult and I have no one to talk about it, so I guessed talking to my future self is one way to get everything out of my chest. Today has been very difficult, and when one problem comes, the others follow. I'm thinking about all the times I have failed something. I know I am not a good person and I know that I don't deserve anything but still, I do deserve at least one day or one thing worth of happiness. And I hope you do have that, but I'm guessing one year isn't enough for an actual change? :). I feel like I haven't achieved anything, I feel like a failure, someone who wastes stuff and someone who doesn't deserve any kind of happiness. But then again. it's been so ling since I actually felt something worth being happy for or actually genuinly being happy without getting tired. I feel like there is always this grey cloud on top of my head to remind me of all the things that I shouldn't be proud of and I think it's slowly ******* me. My mom keeps arguing with me, and today is one of those days. Whenever she shouts, she always brings up my looks, never my achievements. I feel like her criticism has brought me down so much that I hate meeting new people because I know they are thinking how ugly and imperfect I look. That's why my social life has reduced to nothing at all. I don't remember the last time I went out and had fun, but then again I dont really deserve it do I? I feel like writing this to you is an acknowledgment that I did feel this way, that there was a time in my life where I did feel like nothing but empty and that my feelings were real. Today I cried so much where it felt like my heart was going to rip in pieces, two nights ago I cried myself to sleep because of her shouting and badmouthing me. When I really think about it I really want to know why God is being so cruel to me. I know I am imperfect in every way a human could ever be. I understand that. But I think He is being extra hard on me. I feel so lonely somethims. Especially during summer when I see girls my age going out and having fun, looking like they don't have a single worry in their life, and here I am just surviving. Any normal girl's happy time would be spending time with family and friends. I have nothing of that. I only have one friends who I don't even talk properly anymore. And family doesn't seem like family sometimes. So my favourite way to spend my time is to lock myself in my room and be alone with my tv show. So yeah, I do feel very alone. I hope you stopped feeling like this Khadiza. No one is going to help you and I feel like life is just going to get harder and more difficult. I don't think it will ever get easier and I have no idea how I will live the rest of my life like that despite not knowing how long I have left. I do hope it's a short stay. Just long enough for you to read this message next August :). I hope you don't feel sad Khadiza. I hope you stop feeling lonely because I am here, your past self. Even if I can't be with you physically, I will always be there for you through these words. I hope you don't feel sad Khadiza. I hope you found some little kind of happiness or soemthing to keep the bad away for a little away. I feel like I have cried enough for today, my eyes are burning and my underyes are sore and red from all the salty tears. So don't cry that much, because I feel like crying doesn't move anyone because I am hated. Especially by my own mother. I guess it would have been better if she had a different daughter other than me. Someone better, in every way. Just not me. And I am sorry to her in whichever way. I hope I live long enough to read this message. I feel like no matter how much I do, it's never enough. In the end all the things I have ever done, in her eyes it reduces to nothing. The way she made me feel, I hope my sister never feels this way, I hope no girl ever feels this way. I really do hope that. So yeah, I think this is it. Goodbye my future self. I hope you are doing well. I hope you did find happiness even if it is insignificant and small. I really hope you have some courage and take little steps and I hope I am able to live long enough to read this letter. See you in the future :)