I accidentally sent this twice but better safe than sorry

Hi Elle, I hope you still have your xhs email and can still receive this. I’ll send it to one of your dozen other emails just in case lol. How are you? How is baby Kelly? Right now I am 39 weeks and 5 days. Can you believe it? Isn’t it crazy to think about how things used to be and how things are for you now? By now my girl Kelly should be almost a year old and I don’t know how you did with her, but knowing us I know you did a great job. We both know you’re a great mother Elle and we both know how much love you have to offer everyone. You’re so complex in the way you think and you’re also such a beautiful soul. Kelly is so blessed to have you as her mommy. I bet she’s the cutest little angel isnt she? Does she cry a lot like you did while you were pregnant or is she a chill baby? I mean all babies cry so don’t be too worried about something so minimal. All that matters is that you are happy and she is as well. It’s crazy to think that at any moment I get to meet our wonderful girl and hold her in our arms, it’s unbelievable. I’m kind of sad thinking about how I’ll miss being pregnant. Talking to her and poking her and feeling her little kicks🥲. It’s also crazy thinking how one day she will grow up to be a whole human. It’s surreal, Elle. I can’t believe you took care of her by yourself for a whole year and you still have so many more to go. Is it as rewarding as they say it is? I bet it is. Does time fly as fast as they say it does? I wonder if you’ll blink and then receive this email. Hope you still have your phone by this time next year btw lol. Hope you’re not as irresponsible as I am anymore. Did your mother instincts kick in? How did you know when they kicked in? Do you feel any different? Only thing I know for sure is: you’re doing a great job Elle. You’re an amazing mother and you and Kelly will be fine no matter what kind of ******** was thrown your way this 2025. It will always be the 2 of you against the world and everything you do will be for her. I love you both so much and hope you never forget how loved you are by God, your mom and family and everybody else around you. They love you both and they support you in everything you do. Also hope postpartum isn’t beating your *** and I hope you never forget to keep Jesus in your heart always, no matter what. Be patient with yourself for you’re doing your best with what you know You’re an amazing mother and an amazing person, never forget that. Love you so much, Elle 2024 Today is August 8, 2024 and I got curious and checked futureme and apparently I didn't even send this email lol. I am reading it now and I am crying lol. I figured I may as well edit this and send it to 2025. Kelly is now 6 months, and yes I did lose my XHS email fml, I had all the docs for CRB Assessments in it *insert crying emoji*. But yeah Kelly is now 6 months and it's crazy to read this now because I kind of forgot what it was like being pregnant. Now I remember how I'd wake up every morning and say good morning to Kelly and rub my belly. And yes she is a chill baby. She's the sweetest (albeit loudest) baby. The first few months were such a breeze but now that she is soon to be teething it's getting a little difficult. My mom has been my powerhouse these past few months. She takes care of Kelly more than I do since I started working and I am very grateful. We butt heads a lot because I just want a little more freedom, but despite that I am grateful to have her help. I am still in the process of doing my papers, but I should be taking classes this fall. I know I will pass all of my classes because I am a hardworker. I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. July 28, 2025 Third times the charm I guess. i find myself thinking about this website every now and then especially when i think about you (future me). It took me three tries to finally send this letter and i have three different versions of me here. I feel like my favorite version of myself is the one who started this letter. She was praying, journaling, drinking water, taking care of her body for her and isabelle, and also working for pearl. that was one of my favorite eras of my life and i’m slowly but surely getting back to that. Things aren’t the best right now but only you guys and God would understand how hard i’m trying. I’m doing the best with all that i know and I just hope that 2026 Elle is in a far better place than we are right now. We’re turning 23 in a week guys! Isn’t that crazy? 22 was a crazy year, it was fun and a lot of adventure but against our better judgement. We weren’t around for isabelle as much as we should’ve been and my mom has sunk back into her alcoholism. Some people blame me for it but i need to keep reminding myself that i’m not the reason she’s an alcoholic. I don’t need to explain that part but i hope you still believe it. You are not the reason for the pain she feels in her heart and you didn’t ruin her life when you were adopted. I don’t mean to excuse my mistakes and for running but that’s all we’ve ever known. running away just so we can take a breath without suffocating in this toxic house even if it’s just to the second floor of mcmanus church just to stare at the stars and talk to God. I hope you’re in a better place not for us but for Isabelle. i think a lot about my grandma and my mom probably not being around when isabelle turns 5 years old and it terrifies me to my core but i know that is not within my control, what is in my control is how i treat them and show how much i love them. pride gets in the way when it comes to my mom and language barriers get in the way when it comes to grandma but i do love them more than i’ll ever be able to say in words. my relationship with my mom is the most strained it’s ever been and im trying to learn to not take things so personally and to observe with absorbing because if not then i will certainly turn into her. my mom has been through so much in this life and though she’s full of love, the world has broken her. or at least that’s how i see it. i don’t know half the things she’s gone through. i heard that she found her sister drowning when she was only a kid once and sometimes when i think about it i can’t even imagine what else she’s been through. she doesn’t know i think about these things and likes to say “i’ve been here for 64 years and you’ve only been around for 22” but she doesn’t understand the importance of working through trauma i don’t know if she’s ever really gotten over the trauma she’s been through in her life. wait sorry, i mean she has never gotten over the trauma she has been through in this life. she’s just a girl and this is her first time living too but it hurts when she dismisses me and says that emotional regulation is a joke. but you know as i’m writing this i’m starting to understand. she never had these tools that im so blessed to have and maybe she will never live to learn the things i have learned. that doesn’t mean i need to follow in her footsteps. that doesn’t mean that isabelle has to carry my trauma for having an alcoholic mother. when i was young i used to tell myself that i was made to be her daughter for a reason and other times i’d question why am i damned to be the daughter of an alcoholic woman and abandoned by a man who called himself my father for 12 years. but that’s life and though my trauma may look like 10 feet of water compared to her 50 feet, anybody can drown no matter how deep if they don’t know how to swim. she doesn’t understand that but i do and that is important for me to remember and apply to isabelle. isabelle is so divinely blessed and i know it without a doubt. God gave me her for a reason and she’s so blessed with her grandmothers and her grandfathers and great grandmother. my grandma loves her with all her heart and i’m so blessed(understatement) to still have her around. i’m feeling a lot of big emotions. i’ve been learning to do breath work 4-4-6 breathing and the 5-4-3-2-1 grounding technique and though i question it i think it’s really helping because i find myself (i wanna say biting my tongue but i don’t think that’s quite right) holding back negative comments or retaliating against my mom when she gets out of line. that’s what i meant when i said take things so personally. she’s hurt and she never had outlets for emotions like i do and though i try to teach her the things i learn it probably won’t ever stick. i think im going to end this here, it was almost like a little journal entry. i haven’t journaled in awhile and this felt great and relieving and brought out a lot of emotions. Elle, i hope 23 was good to you and remember that God will always be there for you even when you think He’s not. I hope by now you’re in a better place and isabelle is happy and healthy. Thank you for being strong i know sometimes strength feels like a curse because you just want the pain to **** you but i promise it’s worth it and especially for isabelle it will be more than worth it. keep working hard to better your mental health because it’s not for nothing it’s for her. you’re doing an amazing job and you’re a good mom even if people tell you otherwise. you are patient and kind and you do not envy or boast, you are love in it’s purest form and even if nobody sees it I DO. don’t ever stop i love you and happy advanced birthday baby. hugs to isabelle❤️