A letter from Jul 26, 2025

Dear FutureMe, hey girl it’s been 5 years since i’ve written. and i’ve probably changed the most in that time (and perhaps not changed at all) and oh how i wish i never stopped! the idea came to my mind to write through these years. but i thought let me leave this as an ode to teenage hood. but no, let me have it for always. i stopped out of fear. sixth form! i didn’t know where i would be in a year, because i didn’t know how they’d go (gcses). that unknown scared me. all the previous years i knew i’d still be at southend high school for girls. then my life started to come into my own hands, be based off my own decisions and own mistakes. this still scared me beyond belief. but i can’t stop it or control it, that’s life, and it imperiously marches on. whether i want to be driving the tank or not. no, not a tank. that’s not the metaphor. my life isn’t a tank. it’s not destruction. well perhaps it is, but it’s a combine harvester. you must upheave and uptown the old the sow the new. it’s the cart before the horse, the sowing before the real. innate cycles. so perhaps i’m actually being lazy. because now (as i knew also for the first 2 years of uni and the first year of sixth from) i do know where i’ll be a year from now (playing it safe with my reintroduction i see). i will be at home, 32 shakespeare avenue. akua, i am so so sorry. “sorry for yourself” mummy would say, “all you’ll do is say sorry”. well yes! i don’t know if i can even tell you i tried. you deserved so much more and im sorry. you deserved someone who cared about you enough to look after you. there’s something wrong with me and i know that truly. i truly figured that out in first year? i got help in 3rd but im still figuring out what’s best. i think EMDR is what i need. hopefully by the time you read this you’ve had some? it’s scary talking to you. because i have truly let you down. and thinking back to me at 12/13/14/15/16 writing those letters. perhaps if i hadn’t broken that chain, i’d feel more connected to her. and i wouldn’t have done her so poorly. but to wish and wait right? can’t go back. only forwards. so, what did i used to do? all those years ago? current friends: (well this list is going to be a sharp transitions) my actual besties loves of my life: - nicole (you know her!) - ashriel (you know her!) - panna (you meet her your first year of uni, house party!) - manjot (she’s on your course at uni, you meet her first day!) - linda (same as panna, they’re besties, you become one too) - phoebe (you know her!) - louise (you meet her at the first party you host in freshers) more friends along the way: - khush (you meet him at a chalk well sesh, he goes to the same uni as u!) - charlie - riyadh - zenas (you meet him first week of uni, ur flatmate!) - more i definitely cannot remember and i apologise Dear FutureMe, i deleted all those old emails. i don’t think ill be able to read them. but it was good. it humanised me. during those times. and i do have a record of sixth form life, that twitter account! i was so full of life and loved so much and felt so much. that counts for a lot. it’s uni where the record stopped lmao. now onto something you were oh so passionate about. your first kiss. so you were 15 last time of writing. you didn’t know what you wanted to be entirely. the thought it if all makes you feel sick. well the thought of the career i want now actually doesn’t make me burn up entirely. yep not entirely! well done me :). sustainability consultant. got that 4 idea years ago and stuck with it. thank you uncle nana kwame and myself for a MSCi Environmental Science degree. at 15 i thought my first kiss would be at a beach sesh. after some mutual pining beautiful teenage dream at sixth from. sixth form is where you get a boyfriend of course, there’s boys there. well there were 11 boys in your sixth form (shsg). like the acc lowest ever! that’s your luck hahaha. about half of them got into/were in relationships. probably more than half actually. the ones that didn’t were ***. i actually think it was all tbh, cant think of any who didn’t. okay i can think of one. odd guy. he’s doing better now though. so no that didn’t happen. no none of those westcliff boys fancied you. none of the southend boys either. you go to uni. you go a feminist society social and meet a girl called josephine and a boy called ronan. you are still friends with them (friends is a stretch for ronan lmao). ronan is bi and NEVER wanted me, and i never wanted him (i have to disclose because i know your ears will perk up at the mention of any boy name, i’ll let you keep your excitement just for now). they introduced me to jack (i thought was ***, had a long term girlfriend, they’ve broken up after years now though), owen (short, and this isn’t a standard you had ever thought of in your life (you know you worried about being tall) but he was so short it wasn’t an option). rania elliot sesaanth and so many more people who i promise you there was no even slight romantic inclination or crush from either side (not because i’m mature, simply because i found them so unattractive or just so not something to fancy in any way (perhaps that is maturity 🥱) and they’re all caucasian bare in mind! wow, i never had a crush on ronan, how good of me. also, i should mention here, owen did try and get with you at a club night once. wow that fueled a LOT 😭. anyway, back to your first kiss. you were at a bar called rescue rooms. it was november or december (sorry girl can’t remember the date, i know, i KNOWW), there was a girl called jade i got talking to, she mentioned she never had a first kiss. i said same. she said omg let’s do it. i kinda was trying to get away from her but felt well this is awkward guess i’ve gotta do it now! and i did and it lasted about 2 seconds and felt like teeth and mouth. then we parted and i’ve never seen her again i didn’t get her social media or anything. it was a kiss for the sake of having a kiss. i feel neutral about it, actually i smile because of how silly, so so silly, it’s funny. and people saw. i was cRaZyyy back then 😜😜😜 my second kiss. was a boy called david. met at pres for a birthday party or a girl i met at a party on my accom that i heard about from the raleigh park (my accom) gc and she got invited to cos she was on the boy’s course. i knew something was in the air as i was getting ready for that night. i sat down at the only available seat at that bar and it was the one next to him. as soon as i looked at him i knew. this was, akua, your first time experiencing “mutual attraction”. it would’ve been good if i had known this is what that feeling was. and nothing more. we talked all night, danced at the club, and I kissed HIM. embarrassing, everyone saw. we were making out on the dancefloor. another music based alcohol induced first kiss. he walked me home holding my hand, performed some assisted pull ups for me and we made out of my bed. this continued for a couple months, making out in one of our rooms. i was so thinking about him all the time but silly terms like situationship didn’t exist. it wasn’t anything at all. just fun. and excitement. purely. wish things weren’t so complicated now, let’s try and go back to that level. he didn’t like me, nor did he want to just be physical (not like i suggested the former). so we stopped. and it honestly didn’t hurt? i wonder why my heart wasn’t broken. i just laugh thinking about it. i hope he doesn’t think he hurt my feelings, it’s all okay. he was very kind. once again idk why i didn’t care? all 3 first dates i went on were through dating apps. tinder. tinder. hinge (although i met him IRL first). first date was with a person (NB) who was in love with their best friend. i didn’t care. i didn’t really fancy them, just wanted to try. second date was with francis, he went to shsb! for you reading this at age 15 he is dating eleanor summers. haha that never would’ve worked out, my love of musicals would’ve majorly triggered him, reminding him of her. we talked for a month and went on one days. he took me for food and it was fine, he tried to kiss me and i dodged. he didn’t fancy me, he got a girlfriend the next week. i messaged him saying thanks and he said have fun at ur party! polite guy nice time he just didn’t like me. if he did, we would’ve been something. as i found out with my third date. i join careers societies. a consulting one, i have an interview for and i think one of the interviewers is fit. he remembered my name and spoke to me oh my. i saw him on hinge and i again had that feeling in the air. i knew something would happen, i knew there’d be a boy in my room that summer semester. and as i knew he sent me a message on hinge. we go one a date and it falls into another and another and i fall into a relationship. did i like him much? i was obsessed yes. but with how he treated me, and how much he liked me. not really him. but hey, this was mutual attraction (honestly less than david, i grew into wanting to grab him and kiss him, it definitely didn’t happen from the start.) i know now i should want to grab and kiss the guy. our first kiss was on a fallen tree in the island on the lake (a dream i know), but i was so drunk i was swaying and drawling, and he was drunk too. he grabbed my chin and kissed me with tongue and all, very rough. i remember thinking “how on earth did i get here”. even in my drunk thoughts! didn’t think that with david or jade. those dates fell into another relationship, which fell into me being treated very poorly by a very manipulative manipulative man, who really ruined my brain for some time and i’m still very much recovering from the very short experience (8 months), 7 months later. he broke up with me, he didn’t love me and i wasn’t his future wife (i didn’t love him either). there’s a lot i regret and am hurt about in that experience. actions i deliberately chose that went against what i wanted or thought, and ofc, left me very hurt. and still healing from. but i will be over it one day. and will be better for it. but yes, never again. akua your future looks different than you imagined. you are a feminist of course, but you don’t know the extent of ******, you are safe at shsg. the boyfriend you had taught you the extent of how men view women. it’s something i’m writhing with. he’s not an exception, but i will say everything about him was in fact old fashioned. he had the bigotry of a 60 year old white man. all these dates and kisses were white btw! the boyfriend’s name was ben. but we just refer to him as the guy i was going with. as he actually is the only one i ever “went out” with! but i won’t give him power like voldermort by not saying his name. we weren’t in love. the emotions i felt were absolutely collosal though. boy can i feel so that’s the love life. and what was i saying, yes, akua a year ago even you wanted children. you don’t any more. i know! nor are you expecting marriage. i can’t lie to myself and say i don’t want it. of course i do. years of programming come on. i want the dream. but i’m unlearning it, and i don’t believe i will ever marry. don’t worry, i’ll wear the ballgown and the gloves and the vienna and versailles balls, and the super fancy parties i attend as a rich adult. oh yes oh yes. i’ve lived with friends and ridden my bike places, all alone in the daytime. i’ve had my first kiss, i’ve had my first boyfriend. **** that’s really all i cared about huh 😭😭. well i’ve done it! now what 😋 i’m proud of myself. especially for first year. oh also for the travel. the sadness gets worse. so do the periods. so does the procrastination. and so does your stomach. but that lightheadedness gets better. your confidence truly and deeply fluctuates. truly. it was great. then that relationship. i’m building it back up i promise. i feel ugly and stupid and lesser but he said things that weren’t true 99% of the time so. i need to unlearn. i promise he was nice at the start 😭. boys really know nothing. the song i’m listening to at the moment is kat slater. i want to get back into indie. i so lost it. but yes. gosh i’ve travelled. without mummy and daddy. i’ve been to sweden, hungary, czechia, austria, germany (twice!), spain (lots and lots). and more i cbb to list i fear. i’ve travelled within the uk alone, all the way to brighton! it seems little now looking back. i’ve met people. not that many but i have! and recently, and so bravely, i’ve tried to connect. that’s something i never did, here i am now trying. i flew to barcelona and got to the hostel, yes HOSTEL, all alone, knowing no one on that trip. i am really proud of myself for that. i used to not be able to go to lidl alone. or the study room! i can do almost everything alone now. go to the park, sit and have a picnic. go to town, sit in a cafe and do work. go to the river. go to the library. cinem. cathedral. museum. sit down restaurant. have yet to do a party type event but i will, a solo concert is truly an option now, it was unheard of for me before. so yes i still feel not normal, i still feel scared. but im getting better. and i have changed in good ways. perhaps you’d chalk this up to age. a lot of people would. but goodness i am proud of myself. i know myself and knew myself. no one else has to understand, see it or think it’s interesting. i have grown, even if just at my little rate. idm! i am different now than i was then. if i can get my joy back it will definitely be a net gain :). and i want to do that for you baby. and of course i have miley-kate with me now. i just put her in my arms. oh we didn’t have *** by the way. i know you weren’t wondering but it’s probably important. i hope i never have ***, i don’t want to. i am currently procrastinating packing up my stuff for uncle to come pick me up. whilst also procrastinating a job interview and my research project and another 1400 word module. i graduate in the winter. i am sorry. but i am grateful to be alive. uncle is picking me up because, i’m very sorry to say, daddy had a very big stroke a couple months ago. he is recovering. he will be well again and fully restored and recovered by the grace of God. but in the meantime we pray for him and he is in a rehabilitation centre in London, for his mind and his speech and his everything and knowledge and memories to heal. and he will be the grace of God. God has been so good to me. He has protected me, these past four years, truly truly. He has. thank you God. i’ve learnt about money and my spending. i’ve learnt about boys and men. the delights of the former and the hurt of the latter. i’ve learnt that i can do so much, i can do things alone and not be scared. i have the confidence to even live alone now! how insane is that! i couldn’t even go upstairs alone before, too scared of the dark, too scared of the spiders. well i’m still a huge hater of them, and still scared yes, but i’ve ****** many. all alone! i’m getting there. although i’ve been made to feel behind, or like i’m slow in it, or learning things late. goodness i’m learning things. and i think at the exact rate i need to be learning them :). i’m okay with that. as long as i’m alive. healthy, happy and safe. i’m the last one right now. the first two need a lot more work put in. but i have God on my side, my loving family and my loving friends. so yes, again, lazy of me. i know where i’ll be in a year. but akua i won’t lose touch with you again okay. i promise i’ll write. and when i make a promise. i always, always, keep that promise. questions for you. gosh! it always started with: have you had your first kiss? haha. wow. okay i guess the new version of that is. have you kissed anyone new? tell me all all about it. i had a two year dry spell between david and ben. i feel this will be a very very very long dry spell. and that’s okay. what’s it like being paid to work? is it scary? or exciting? did you go to brazil? who have you seen again since uni? have you had EMDR? how was reading festival? have you been on a solo sleepover trip? inside the country? outside? how do you feel, happier than me at present writing? i know you know how i feel. how was graduation? i know you got a 2:1, well done baby. i stopped chasing things. outfits, hair, future interactions with boys. i lived in maybe the moment? i can’t even say that for sure. but here i am. i’m alive by the grace of God. thank you God for my life, please continue to heal my father and bring him back to himself and us, I have full faith You will. okay, haha this is like half the length my diss is meant to be! okay. uncle is coming to pick me up in a n hour. and i will move out of nottingham for the fourth and final time. this is my last time lying in a bed that is mine, in the city of nottingham. what a good decision is was to come to this city. what a beautiful, lively, diverse, nature rich place. just right for me. i do love nottingham. and i didn’t love nottingham university. my last year was shadowed yes, but i will always have the memories or first second and a lot of third. what a place, and what a time university was. it really changed me. and i am grateful for it. most transformative in the world first two years. most self learning in the second two. learnt about the world and learnt about myself. that’s a barg for £40K i reckon. okay, bye akua. i love you so much. i know i don’t show it. i hope i do one day. i love you more than life itself. and daddy will be well, so will mummy, so will your friends and so will your family. all those you care about. i love you, and i’ll see you. - akua