A letter from Jul 21, 2025

Dear FutureMe, We just had our Zoo Trip with Roman. It’s a weird thing to think about where I was emotionally and mentally 7 months before. I was crashing out and wanting to die after feeling like Roman cheated on me and betrayed me by reconnecting and hooking up with his married ex Girlfriend. I don’t think past me could’ve imagined where I am now, going on a platonic zoo day with Roman. Or just being friends with him again. This time I’m not letting my delusions and desperation for love and validation trick me into romanticizing our day. I know he and her message every day. They send each other paragraphs and I already glanced him sending her pics of the zoo. I know he doesn’t love me. Or atleast not in the way or amount I want him to love me. I feel crazy because I do feel a connection between us. But maybe for him it’s just a very small feeling of affection. But he doesn’t love me enough to want to kiss me or hold me or be intimate or have emotional weight to it. He just likes spending time with me. He chooses her and will always choose her even if she is the wrong love for him. But I’m not gonna be like him and chase someone that doesn’t want me. — I was so scared leading up to Zoo day. For weeks I’ve been priming everyone’s expectations as well as my own for a potential breakdown. And I did have a minor panic or spiral the night before. I had another moment looking back now where I realized that maybe I am mentally ill in a psychotic way. I truly believed in my paranoia and delusions that something I concocted is reality. Not just that it was possible or likely but it is what’s happening. And it drove me crazy. For some reason I started spiraling bc I thought I figured out Roman’s alternative plan. That he slipped about having two tickets and it was actually another lie of his. Bc he is always lying to me and he has historically left me early to meet up with her as I’ve discovered through his messages. When he asked to go early to the zoo at opening I LITERALLY thought I figured out that the “glitched ticket” and this updated time was to make sure he can hang out with her in the afternoon when I’ve left bc initially I said I only wanted to stay for a bit bc of the humidity. I was going crazy. And looking back now, it was all for nothing. We spent the whole day at the zoo together and it actually was fun. I think it helped immensely that he wasn’t glued to his phone texting her. He was just as game and enthralled as I was looking for the animals and taking their photos and admiring nature. He also didn’t make any comments about my sweating (he did comment on my sweatband tho). I think it was a success! We stayed the whole day from opening at 10 till closing at 5. And even though there were some transport hiccups (we had to take the shuttle in the Bronx bc the train was not running), it ended up fine. He even helped me do my alphabet game to calm myself when I was sweating in the no AC crowded bus on the way home. I forgot how nice it was to hang out and spend time with him. It felt like the old days of us laughing together and seeing his hidden playful side. And he was touchy and we shared food. But I tried to keep reminding myself that This is not a date. He doesn’t love me. He loves her. He just is affectionate to me platonically. I deserve better and I will get better. All the good things I felt today is just mere crumbs compared to how it would be with my true love, someone who actually wants me and chooses me and loves me. I don’t know if I can hangout with him again anytime soon but the door is open. I’m still trying to figure out how to not get emotionally invested bc the amount of energy and effort he gives for regular friends is for me considered high level for special people only. I think I’m just so desperate to be seen and understood UNDERNEATH the need to be chosen and loved. And i ascribe feelings easily to any guy that I find remotely attractive and is nice to me. Also bonus if they’re stoic or quiet and brooding bc I like being able to be the one to break that facade and connect with their soft side. But that’s not love. That’s manipulation. I’m sending this to you 5 months from now during the anniversary of our crash out. Hopefully things have improved and maybe our manifestations of finding true love. I feel like I have a positive outlook right now even if I still feel deeply sad. I’m hopefully that there’s a chance things can get better bc they are already changing and getting better. I hope we are happy and loved now. One can wish. —- I know now we deserve better. And I want better. Will I get it? I don’t know. I used to feel like my chance of finding love was 4-5% but now it’s gone up to 6-7%. I feel a little more confident in my body and wearing clothes in the summer bc of the weight I’ve lost. And maybe this will lead to a greater change. How was our trip to Switzerland? Was it magical? Did we have fun? Did we find love? How’s being 30? Do you still feel hopeful? Right now I feel like I got an extension to living for another 5 years. But time is ticking. I’m hoping things are better for us.