A letter from Jan 08, 2025

Dear FutureMe, It's been a hell of an experience. And I mean it literally. I went from wanting to die because I was inadequate to wanting to die... because I was inadequate for someone else? It was like... ****, you'd do this for that person but not for me. And looking at it from afar, time and time again, crushed me. I thought it was my thing, but it's been again and again that it wasn't. Like, that's been ingrained into me so much that at one point it became weird to get attention. I became someoene who doubts. And my doubts are seen as unfounded. I get insulted and the likes. No, I will not stand for that. For it seems only I alone will protect myself. But anyway, nevermind all that. My plan for the future is to break this relationship. Sure, it gets physical but I feel inadequate. My heart already yearns for newfound peace. And considering how fragile it is, and how it can sometimes go against whatever my mind wants, I have no doubt that it will eventually happen. At the very least, I've made clear several times what my issues were. I'm not just gonna be unhappy in a relationship and be quiet about it, just like I shouldn't let other people walk over me (and ****, did someone do it this morning. I realized the consequence of having a weak presence and decided to shift gears to avoid it. I let this person skip me!) Actually let's keep the parenthesis going. So far, I've been... coddled. By parents. By people around me. But the world out there... no, the world in here doesn't work like that. I'm sure that even this coddling is poisonous to me. I can't be satisfied by this. Because if I do become satisfied with everything that's been going on... - I'll eventually be a broke bum, and she'll leave me anyway - I won't achieve any of my dreams - I won't realize the limits of my abilities ...OK WHJAT THE **** I sent her a meme of a dog shaking its head and it being associated with miss*onary and like, I asked is that real? And she was like, IDK u tell me and then I tell her you're the one who's always bottom and she's like, alright next time I'll be on top and I'm like what the **** This stuff is too much for an ex-virgin BROOO WHAT And then my mind goes back to like... "Maybe this isn't her first time" Boy the relationship thing is crazy... or yknow what this isn't even a relationship thing. It's just s*x. I came into relationships with weeb thoughts and the likes but... I still stick by them. Holding hand, kissing, hugging... they should be done with people important to me. Or family. I want to share my special moments with the person I love. And to share my first times with them. That way, doing it with anyone else doesn't work just the same. Now we're talking about Winnie She didn't understand me when I said something She didn't give me a chance to contribute to the conversation Our conversations are mostly just her talking, but some times it gets annoying. She is a Med Student alright. BUT the heck is she doing here repeating 3rd year for the 3rd time in a row? Like girl u should be FINISHING your course (Konner and gang influenced me, they're from Alvivor) But either way. This is the second time we stop talking for a month. I believe this is the real end. Any other issues that arise are imaginary. Like, now I feel free to be mad at other things. Namely things of the past. I imagine my fears, the ones that I had while in the relationship, becoming true. I didn't feel like a destiny. Regardless, here's what I'm gonna tell myself. Deal with it. So what? I'm really disappointed in you. You're out of the relationship but you think you're still able to judge anything? As someone who is detached from it all, this is your chance to forge your own path. To make your own happiness. Do you really think that will happen if you keep moping about other people? I tell you what. You're a boy still yearning for affection. Your mother used to baby you and you're still used to it. If there's no one babying you in your life, then you get mad. Grow up. How? Well. Acknowledge that you're not like that. Ignore the looks and whatever.