A letter from Jul 10, 2025

Dear 22 year old me, tomorrow i turn 22. whoop happy early birthday (youre about to turn 23 hell yeah, thats not old btw !!) i intentionally took tomorrow off to do literally all my favorite introvert activities. i kinda wanted to spend this up north with my family, but i felt like a burden while i was up there. which is another issue to address (21 years of the same feeling? yikes). but my itinerary is: 5am 7/11 to get an energy drink, head to fancy bougie gym i bought a day pass to, either do 6am pilates class or just stretch in the sun, hit a beautiful leg day, more stretching in the sun, cold plunge (if they have it at this gym?), change and go get some snacks/breakfast, beach and tan and read. thats as far as ive gotten. maybe go to that gluten free bakery, maybe thrift? i wanna get dressed up. definitely watch the sunset. anywayssss, not the point of this letter, i kinda just had to write down my thoughts there. the point of this was, i wanna write down 21 things ive learned, lessons im trying to take into 22, things i want to really integrate into my head. 1. "its never that deep" - **** dude this is number 1 because i need to learn it so badly. nothing is really ever that serious. we live on a rock dude, relax. and not every action has some deeper darker meaning. this kinda goes with "make no assumptions", dont try to interpret and overthink everything into something its not. lowkey, this means nobody cares too. i promise no one is thinking about you the way you think they are. 2. "you control the output, not the outcome" - you can do everything good and correct and still getting a ****** outcome that you dont deserve. but thats just how it goes. you control what you put into it, so make it **** good. 3. "you are what you pay attention to" - perspective is everything. you are what you eat, you are what you think, you are how you treat others, you are what you focus on. make it good. 4. "you dont have to love yourself in every situation, but you have to love yourself THROUGH every situation" - acknowledge when you **** up, but give yourself the same grace you give others. use your regret to fuel your change. theres no point in staying there, in the regret and guilt and shame, longer than you need to. love yourself into changing what you arent happy with. 5. "not everyone is meant to stay in your life" - i think this one is important for me because i am so used to loss and abandonment that when someone walks away or disappears or i need to take them out, it feels like immense grief. but recognizing that some people come into your life for just a season, whether thats for you or for them. 6. "prioritize curiosity and joy" - not really a quote or anything but just the lens i try to look at life with. curiosity and joy are two of the warmest emotions we can have. joy is triggered by nourishment. 7. "its not my job to ensure that people are seeing me how i want to be perceived" - not only is it not your job, but not your business either. people are allowed to think whatever they want about you. trying to control how people see you is so exhausting. its not your responsibility to live up to the expectations you think people are putting on you (they probably arent, nobody cares). 8. "luckily you dont get worse at something the more you do it" - im so scared to try sometimes. you have to be bad at something before you can be good, so just keep being consistent until youre good! lol so simple. 9. "every one of your decisions has led to where you are now; youre not a victim to your circumstances" - this one is big because its so easy to blame everything else. but in all of it, youve had decisions to make. theres no one else living your life. if you wouldnt give anyone else the credit for your successes, you cant blame them for your downfalls. 10. "if you live for peoples acceptance, youll die by their rejection" - this is similar to 7, super similar. but both are lessons that i deeply need. the more you live for others, the more it hurts when its still not enough. 11. "if he likes you, youll know. if not, youll be confused" - this feels silly because i want it to be lessons about me, not about boys, but this reflects onto me and how long i hold on when i dont need to. stop holding onto people who are unsure of you, you deserve someone confident about you. 12. "your best is what you can do without harming your physical and mental health, not what you can accomplish when you completely disregard it" - im prone to burnout, and constantly feel like im not doing enough. i am. im doing pretty **** good. 13. " loosen your grip” - you’ll never lose what’s meant to be yours. so theres literally no reason to ever hold onto stuff so tightly. if anything it sets you up for feeling loss and sadness and abandoned. so loosen your grip, let things flow, and follow that. you have everything you need. 14. “control the controlables!” - this one was my motto for a minuteeee. you cant control what other people do, you can control how you react. you cant control what happens, but you can control what perspective you look at it with. 15. “dont sacrifice authenticity for connection” - there are people out there who will love and want to connect with your fully authentic self. covering up who you are will only lead to disappointment and frustration; you are exhausted by playing pretend and the other person is getting a fake version of you that they will eventually not like once you cant keep up with pretending anymore. dont give up parts of yourself for someone else, thats tiring. 16. “knowledge without action is nothing” - if you know youve ****** up but do nothing about it, thats terrible (this includes when others **** YOU over; if you know its wrong, dont let their actions slide. hold people accountable sometimes. that might just mean stepping away as the "action", but dont just sit there and do nothing and accept being ****** over!). if you know whats better for you but take no action towards that, its worthless. you have to do better. you have to take responsibility for your what you know. and that doesnt mean play dumb! 17. “count it all joy” - this is another one that was my motto for a while. it comes from that christian song; God gives us all this good in the world, whatever He’s put on your plate right now, count it joy. make it joyful! you literally get to pick how you take/interpret things, so make it joy. perspective, baby! 18. “people treat you how they feel about you” - let their actions speak. dont make assumptions, and that means positive or negative. there is no guesswork dude, its pretty straightforward. i dont really believe in the whole “if he wanted to he would” because theres so many things that I wanna do that i dont, due to fear or lack of confidence. but i think this is a better way of looking at it, they treat you how they feel about you. like stop giving people the benefit of the doubt, if they dont text you its because it doesnt feel good to them to text you, it doesnt bring them joy. you want people in your life who find joy in you. 19. “not everyone needs a paragraph explaining exactly how you feel about them” - sure, i would love one from everyone else lol, but simply most people dont care. most people do not deserve to know your deep inner workings and feelings about them. its likely not going to change how they treat or feel about you. write it out, feel your feelings, give yourself your own validation, and move on 20. “most situations deserve your effort” - i think its easy to get nonchalant, but i dont think thats beneficial to anyone. i think in general, life is more positive when you are putting effort into things. its easy to be like “this work doesnt do any good” (my brain is specifically picking out starbucks, it feels non-impactful, it feels lame, so i dont really put in that much effort there) but i challenge you to put effort into talking to people and being the best **** barista you can be, and it will feel like a more positive experience. for you obviously, but also for others. i just wanna be more positive bro. 21. “LUCKY ME!!” - lucky me that i have a beautiful body. lucky me that i have a smart brain and functioning emotions. lucky me that i have a home that i get to keep clean, and work to pay the bills at. lucky me that when people hurt me, i have big feelings about it. i know this is another one about perspective but maybe thats the deeper lesson. so happy birthday dude. please make this year good. stop waiting for life to get better and just ******* make it better. you ARE LIVING in the good times. I guarantee you, no matter what **** you went through this year, you will have fond memories and you will look back and miss the time you are in right now. im really working on controlling my perspective this year (22). i think thats a major place i can still find improvements. 21 was kinda rough, im not even gonna lie. butttttt there was also SO MUCH GOOD in 21. so much happiness, so many meaningful connections made, so much growth along the way. i am changing from year to year so rapidly right now, month to month even. and im grateful for that. I hope i look back at this letter and remember how things were. currently, im sitting at better buzz (its a few days after i started this on my bday, oops), waiting to go to work at 4:30 and 5:30. Im not gonna lie, not looking forward to it, BUT! PERSPECTIVE! i am excited that i have something to do, im excited to see jonathan afterwards, im excited to get to hopefully make a positive impact on someones day, im grateful to have this job and gain this experience. anyways, this is long asf. i wanna write more about how my life is right now but oops im supposed to be studying. love you broski, and its not cringe to love, maddie (bonus one that i read like 10 mins ago: “i may be cringe but youre mean and thats worse”)