A letter from Jul 16, 2025

Dear FutureMe, How are you? As i'm writing this tears falling down from my face i sit here and think about how future me is handling the hurdles and obstacles life is throwing at you. It is July 16,2025 at 11:25pm and i know i don't have it the worst right now but i feel like im in an ongoing loop. It is the summer after my graduation year and i have been doing nothing but sit at home, lay down, eat, scroll through tiktok and repeat. I should be having the time of my life right now but i've never felt more lonely and drained. I just sit back and think about what my life could've been and not what it is right now. im extremely so insecure about myself and my self esteem is at its lowest. I used to put on makeup and get ready to actually feel pretty but even that, even the hours i put into myself, i just look in the mirror disappointed on who i am now. I feel fat and ugly. i know its no one else at fault but my own. I weight at 80kg and feel disgusting. atleast i know and am self aware of what are my flaws, thats partially why i dont bother buying anymore new clothes, and put nothing but loose clothing to hide my body. I hope future me can finally put work in what present me has ruined. Now let's talk relationship. It's been a year and 2 months since matthew have been dating. I do trust him but i also have this gut eating feeling that there's something off. With my insecurity at its peak, i deff can sense that he is embarrassed of me when we are in public and even around his friends (which hurts me the most). he stops holding my hands, hugging me, kissing me without me having to ask him in public.. which sucks but i think im starting to get used to it. I just wished our relationship never changed from what we had when he truly loved each other. I miss our fun dates and long talks and just having each other I have nothing more to say but hope the future holds nothing but hope for us. I love you matthew and even though we it doesnt feel the same anymore cut him some slack and dont get so uptight about little things because it's his first relationship too and he has raised ur standards in what love truly means. be kind to each other and love each other patiently and put god as the structure for ur relationship and watch yourself grow. (Moon River - Frank Ocean) This is the year where Lolo Erwin passed away, and i never felt grief before but this one hurt. It beens more than over 5-8 months he has passed and oh let me tell you it has not gotten easier. i truly have my biggest regrets when my idiotic past self hasn't took the extra step to just ******* talk to him. i dont know i just feel so mad at myself for running away every chance he called and avoided him but deep down i knew i was just afraid of the day he wouldve left, scared to feel more hurt than i am right now but i would do anything in the world to take him back and give him one last hug. with more than 5 years since i have seen him i knew i shouldve hugged him harder and said i love you lolo even if he wasnt the type of person to say it back. Nowadays, i look for my lolo in the world around me.. moths flying in your home , simba , any sign that gives me a sign its my lolo telling me hes here for me. I know it might not be him but its nice to think about an afterlife that exists where we all go someday. and if its truly real, i hope he is the first to visit me. i will be his baby and be forever thankful of my childhood as i was truly blessed to be grown around loving grandparents like my lolo and my lola. I hope for you to be hopefully grow a stronger relationship with your lola and hopefully visit her and give her a **** call. cherish every moment as she is the one you can truly look up to. I miss my lola. Don't let these struggles and challenges overtake who YOU want to become. with every flaw that u have embrace them and instead of moping around about them and get up and do something about it. With uni coming in under 2 months ( ur already in it). KNOW what your real priorities are. focus on what's going to benefit you and do what's BEST for you. Do something with your self i beg of you please. Do what YOU love and dont let anything influence you for the worse. You have overcame over 17 years of your struggles by yourself, why not push for greatness? don't be so hard on yourself as you have a great support system. Look at your mom and dad and thank them for every sacrifice they have given up for YOU to live privileged. and don't lose yourself along the way. -17 year Old you OUTTTTTTTT LOVE YAAAA