A letter from Jul 08, 2025

Dear Wyatt, I am currently listening to Cigarettes After ***, picturing us, sleeping on your bed, in your flat, cuddling. I am naked, so are you, and we're both giggly and so deeply in love with each other. I see myself tracing over your abs, you whispering sweet nothings into my ear, and relaying your life. I wanted us to make the most passionate and sweetest love to have ever existed between people, where we were not two people, but one vessel of love. I wanted you to be my first: first kiss, first love, first time, first heartbreak. Realistically I knew we were probably too different to ever maintain a relationship. Part of me craves the arguments, the toxicitiy, the power dynamics. You being 25 and me being 19. I wanted you to hold that power over me, I wanted to feel protected by you. I also wanted to help you. I don't know the extent of your PTSD or schizophrenia, but I know I wanted to try my best to help you. Realising this now, I know that you were just doing what you thought was best for me and I understand. I had never felt such intense emotions about someone before. You were so different and filled everything I wanted in a boyfriend. I know that you liked the age difference as well. Maybe I am sick for wanting you to almost own me. Probably developed from low self-esteem, but I still wanted you so bad. You were so handsome, I pictured us walking around London and me showing you all the little museums I knew. I wanted to come to Den Bosch and you show me around. What hurts the most though, is how much I know you're hurting. I could've helped. You told me you loved me, yet blocked me because you didn't want to hurt me. Please, you could've let me help you. I wanted to show you off to all my friends, come over to my student accomodation, and have quiet *** so my flatmates couldn't hear. Despite our differences, we could've done something together. We could've been magical. We could've almost had it all. However, I don't resent you. I wish the best for you. I will remember you for a long time. With love always, Clara