A letter from Jul 07, 2025

Dear FutureMe, I just got back from my wintergreen trip with Baden. We broke up and immediately went on that trip together, lol. It was fun, but also awful. It was overstimulating and I had trouble sleeping, but my sleep issue is surely getting at least a little better. I got sick of my family being loud, condescending, inconsiderate, and not letting me sleep in. I was coping with the Nate and Baden issue the entire time. I've been trying not to worry about those boys, but it's hard when Baden's around me so much. I actually felt pretty comfy with him mostly. The era of our past relationship is already over I fear. Things already feel so different. Nate, I still don't know. It's never good to fixate on things I don't understand. I'm just trying to not worry rn, that's my whole thing :p I'm playing dbd in between typing this. I just went against two deathslingers in a row. My least favorite ******. It's late and I'm tired and I should be relaxing ngl. getting ready for bed. Nate learned let her go today for me. I don't know how the next time we hang out is going to go. I asked him about cuddling and we've been being more affectionate but I really don't wanna rush into anything. I'm nervous. Meanwhile, my relationship with Baden has iimproved. I appreciate him more without the pressures. He doesn't seem to get that, but I'm happier with him now. I'm anxious and unsure about Nate. Is that a bad thing? He's been really getting into my interests even more these days. it's sweet but it adds additional perceived pressure. I'm glad though. I wanted this summer with Nate. I wanted to be able to lay my head on his shoulder and just chill with each other. I don't know what love is and this might not be it. All I know is this is special to me and I have every reason to appreciate it like it's going out of style. Still, I'm supposed to be distancing myself. This turned into a ramble. I'm just worried about us getting too close again. I better tell Nate that we should take it slow and not rush into getting too intimate. I'll continue that convo with him later. For now, I'm so happy with Baden. No wonder I wanna talk to him more. He's finally taking interest in what I like and he's just so nice and warm and easy to hang with now. I'll talk with Nate. I'm sure it'll help. This is all for me and my happiness. Anyway, I have a doctor's appointment at 10 Tuesday, which does suck, but I think I'm getting better at coping with having things in the morning :) After that, we can pick up my hair dye and I can dye it red!!! Another era of hair, conveniently after a breakup. I'm excited, and maybe when I heal, I can cut it all off again. Hair holds memories right? I looked back at videos from last semester and I just remember being so ******* unhappy. Baden was vibing but god all I remember was going through it. During the WG trip, Baden and I had our gaming station in the loft which I just...loved. I love gaming together and just being in each others' presence after a long day of big family activities. We did a lot. We went to the lake, played poppo games like trivia, a guessing game, corn hole, and who could forget Pictionary? I hope everyone enjoyed it. My mom sure knows how to make someone feel special. I'm glad everyone played along. I'm glad I was able to as well. We saw the fireworks and live music at the festival. Also kristin was just an ******* today in the family gc. She put some dumbass "the family gc hates to see me coming" status on instagram, but why is she proud? She was being a total *** to me for literally no reason. If she was just honest and said she was feeling bad maybe I coulda helped, but she just chose to be angry and lash out at me and then be proud of it as if I was an antagonist of some sort :/ I could've been nasty back but I'm better than that and she should be too. I have no idea what's going through her head. She probably just thinks I'm being a lazy ******* or maliciously incompetent or bossing her around or whatever? She's probably telling Carley all those nasty, false thoughts, but not me. This summer has been quite a ride to be honest and it will continue to be. I should keep going to doctor's appts about my sleep issue. I just don't want to. It gives me anxiety. I am kind of on a time crunch cause I will go back to the dorms...uuuhhhh. I hung out with the people recently. I was just looking around and admiring what had become of my high school friend group, but they didn't give a **** about me. I'm just gonna stop replying to their messages asking to hang out. I haven't been thinking about my future a lot recently. There are things I vaguely want to do, like travel the world, go back to college, find a friend group there, explore my field of study more, etc. But life has been hard recently so I've been planning less. I made a friend in China recently and we talk sometimes. I think he's neat. Maybe someday if we get close enough I'll visit him in China. I want to go to Korea too. Nate said he wants to go to China too. he has so many dreams that I wanna be part of. I better get ready for bed. bleh. I don't wanna, not looking forward to waking up early Tuesday. Not feeling awesome. That must be a sign to sleep. oh jump by blackpink just came out. It sounds good :) babymonster released a single too and a new twice album is coming. bye