A letter from July 6th, 2025

Dear FutureMe, Hey. I haven’t written to you for a year now, just over? I have another one of these in my emails that I’ve been putting off reading from earlier this year, maybe even last? 
A lot changes in a year, a lot also does not. I’ve made a fool of myself countless times recently in front of people I’m not sure care that much at all. We live in Falmouth now, like a few months out of the year at least, less so in the height of Summer, but I’m still not at uni. Did the whole ‘defer’ thing and even tried to switch courses, back to Creative Writing, but it was too early in the year. I had the motivation then, at least to contact lecturers and whatnot, I don’t now. Nothing has changed on that behalf, I guess. I’ve started new meds, they make me sleepy, but they also make me eat, so that has been a hard one to process. Unfortunately, I’ve got that thing in my head again where I’m trying not to. I’m happy, but I’m not. I think I’m somehow better equipped to just deal with the bigger things. I think maybe that might put me in a worse place than last year. I don’t freak out and breakdown on people anywhere near as much, and I hardly ever cry unless something big has happened. Like, watching Nan pass away hugging a cuddly toy to her the whole time. Somehow an infantile and senior sight all at once. It was hard to take in, and I still haven’t really processed. Went up to Bristol at the beginning of June with my partner to visit my sister and some of her friends, and she really wants me to move up there. I’m thinking I don’t have a lot left down here and that fact is becoming more pronounced every day that I spend in the living room talking to the one person that cares, because they secretly want to **** me, but I am out of that stratosphere. I don’t want that from anyone except the one person I cannot have. And now I don’t even know if I want them. I haven’t ever cheated, and I will not ever cheat, but almost everyone that I’ve liked or likes me back, has done it to someone else. And I think it counts if you’re on a short break, and you’ve made plans to literally hang out with them the next day. Anyway, I don’t care anymore. I’m not over it, I just really don’t care. At least it would give me reason.