A letter from Oct 24, 2024

Dear FutureMe, hey, I hope you're okay and I hope that you feel happiness everywhere you go. It's your birthday and i hope that you feel happiness right now. Feeling 20 is never a good thing back then but now that you are officially 20years old and a legal age for an adult year is here. you can't be 18 again but I can say that you felt the most happiness in your college years and enjoy every little thing that you have right now. go have a drink with your friends and enjoy their company, go cry somewhere. date someone and pls FIND A GOOD MAN and always a soft-spoken man. I really am emotional today and I don't know, it just came to me like a wave that I never expected. Its a roller coaster emotions today. I feel happy when I woke up and the minute the clock turns to 10pm, it feels heavy again. I feel something is not right about me, not my emotional state but my physical state... I felt something most of the day this week and it's so hard to explain bcs I haven't paid attention to it the past few days. I have bruises, I'm a bit of a naughty and so makulet type of friend na acidic but I didn't know since when the last time my stomach hurts or its because nasanay na ko sa coffee and almost everyday ko hindi pinapansin. and hindi na rin ako kumakain ng tama..... I know, nagpapakamatay ako pero lowkey lang kasi I hate to think na they are thinking about how I wasted all their pagod and sacrifices for me if I will just commit suicide and so the psychology hits me. why turn it to me when I can put it to them. They are not a very observant one, and they don't know that i have problems and stressed and pressured and something else. they just thought that I dont eat bcs im busy and I dont have time for it. I want them to know that this is a suicidal moments of my life. Where everything feels right but not fine. AT ALL.